And If The Muse Doesn't Smile?

Nude Shot.

2010-07-20T13:20:00.002+08:00

Here comes the season of upgrading and construction and that equates to tons and tons of dust particles tickling your nose and most importantly settling on your furniture it makes me squeal in agony.

Sounds wrong.

So that also equates to wrapping up every piece of furniture and covering walls with ornaments with plastic. Not to mention the whole evacuating of master bedroom kitchen and some parts of the hall. It reminded me of moving house. All this made me want to throw away my bed frame and get a nice new one from Ikea. We'll see what parents say to that!

Weather's quite mad today. Anyway I'll be off to Padang in two days time for 5 days. A whole new experience for photo-taking and also sights and sounds. There's a volcano there, I can't wait to see it.

I am still pondering over Khidir's invitation to go Cambodia with a team called Ignite? I can't remember. Ain's going too, that makes life a whole lot more fun. But I also want to backpack around Indo, or simply visit Jogja with Kyun and maybe a couple of friends to see all the temples and such.

I got additional students now. That'll boost my income madly.

Tioman

2010-07-07T00:44:00.003+08:00

Got slightly busy these days meeting up with people and spending time with you.

So I got back from Tioman! It was pretty amazing, for once I was overseas and not pining for someone. I think this trip was much better than previous, simply because of the company and more importantly the days doesn't feel rushed. The going there was rather fast! We caught the ferry at 1130 and was checked in by 1400.
The first day was nothing but just swimming and lazing around in the water in the afternoon after lunch. We had dinner early, played Monopoly Deal (which is a bloody addictive game) and soon after sambal stingray, then soccer and off to sleep.
Second day was snorkelling in the morning til noon, busy throwing bread near people so the fishes would be wild around them ^^, had a nice lunch and played games and chat. Went to fly kite and bothering cats (: And trying to get extension for another day!
Dived on the third day on a nice morning and went back to a new room (the Superior but I preferred the cheaper one) where 4 people squeezed in. Short nap before hitting the sea again. It was an interesting night where a HUGE bug the size bigger than a fist come hurtling at the restaurant and we ran away, cowards.
Japan lost and slept on a sofa bed! Haha it was my first .__.

Yep, been busy since meeting friends for lunches and dinners, going on shopping trips with them. Teaching too. Fifa got me a mirror and chopsticks from Beijing, how sweet (: Had pizzas today with Raqeeb and had Breeks yesterday with Andrea. I'm ice-skating this Friday with Amira and Fifa, lunch with Rohenie on Thursday and maybe go Changi tomorrow to try out...

MY NEW LENS.

Prime lens 35mm/f1.8 coming cheap at 345$ first hand, Nikkor. How I screamed in delight. Watched Up with Kyun at my place over Long John's (with unlimited supply of cheese), it's a fantastic show. Pixar NEVER disappoint. In the first 10 minutes I nearly cried .__. And by the end I was tearing into her shirt. So embarrassing.

Attaching adaptor to my Holga and I can shoot 36mm films on it! Time to revive film!

2010-06-26T16:32:00.002+08:00

I did say I went touristing on Thursday.

We caught Toy Story 3 snuggled under a blanket in the theatre. Awesome or what. Carried a backpack with buckles and sunglasses and bandanna and a shop owner thought I was Thai, but I said that I was from Indonesia! Had a lot of photos and fun, headed back to my place til late.

Giant-shopping the next day with Kyun Osha Yt. Bought quite a number of tidbits.

Had a photography voluntary assignment again, this time was for a futsal competition. Good exposure to sports photography, some lessons learnt (:
Thanks Nurul and the El Toreno team!
Cycled to and fro there to save transport cost, and headed to Bagus on bike for lunch with Cj.

And now heading off to the airport for the longest slide thing and probably catching the sunset! The skies now are amazingly beautiful.

T___T Weather is so unpredictable lately. Let's just hope Tioman won't be rainy. Read that there's a chance it'll rain, but mainly slightly cloudy and such.

Good days.

2010-06-24T00:02:00.003+08:00

I had the utmost fun cycling in the rain with them, trying to fight the wind and 2 pathetic umbrellas sprung out to shelter 6 people. Ayam penyet at Changi is always so awesome, and we had long fun talks trying to revive the once dead!

Yesterday I webcammed with the Dr and she has a 'secret stash'.

Gave a call here and there to random missing people and was fun to catch up (:

I also saw Kyun today when she came over with her oh-so-cool hair ^^

I learnt a few new songs and tabbed one myself! So proud of me.

Sleep early! Tourist-ing tomorrow (:

Rain.

2010-06-16T10:12:00.000+08:00

Rain. It's strange to be rainy in June. Not THIS rainy. The weather has definitely been screwed up.

I'm going to play in the rain today.

Good.

2010-05-19T18:41:00.000+08:00

I feel good, in a way. Done with my IBM and Advanced Stats (sweated a bit for the latter) and few more to go before I proudly announced myself graduate (more like survivor) of the murderous LSE program which sucks the life out of many sad beings who dropped out of course halfway.

I guess I am happy with that. That I did something that I truly enjoy, that I didn't pick some shit degree that I dislike (ie. Literature, Linguistics the kind a straight D can get in) from the local university just so to have the right to say OH I'M STUDYING AT A LOCAL UNIVERSITY or to the dumping grounds of A level washouts.

(: I've decided if my grades are good enough - hopefully it is but if it isn't I'm entirely to blame - I want to go MOM to work, there's quite a few vacancies. Hopefully to earn more than enough money to support myself and my lifestyle.

Few more to clear on the 1st and 3rd and 9th and 10th of June.

Fat.

2010-05-11T02:03:00.001+08:00

I said, with a face as sad as an emo kid, that I am fat and that my tummy is showing a bit.

Teeny weeny bit.

You kissed my going-to-be-obvious-tummy-if-I-don't-do-anything-about-it that I am the most beautiful person in the world.

A Point In Life.

2010-05-06T21:44:00.003+08:00

Well it's May and examinations are next week PANICZXZZSXZ.

These days were just me spending my time sitting on the La Salle lawn studying while she sleeps, LJS studying while she reads, home studying while she sleeps, her place studying while she sleeps.

Seriously babe stop sleeping so much.

I've watched Iron Man 2 with Teo and it was not bad, I wouldn't say it left a huge impression on me but it doesn't leave me gagging with disgust either. Oh and I met Fanabanana for lunch once. I haven't seen her for so long and it's so awesome!

Cycling once a week along coastal with Raqeeb for the fat-reduction .__. I feel fat from not doing anything pant-worthy. Ok after exams will work on it.

Met Ash for covers too. Titi is a lot a lot a lot of temperament and drama. How did Ash take it I have no idea.

There were 2 occasions Kat and Glenda came to study overnight. It was interesting lol.

And I finally get to visit the Mint Toy Museum! It's rather good and I love love the interior design.

I'm getting my first photography assignment this Saturday thanks much to Fifa! So exciting and even if I'm noob at least I'm better than Fifa.
She doesn't know what's aperture even.

I'm in love, and with this raw talent Crystal Bowersox. I fell in love the moment I heard her. She's amazing. She doesn't deserve to be in Idol. Idol are for crappy generics the likes of Lee and Kris and Cook (ok Cook's not that bad).

Mother just asked me to switch on the aircon. Aircon's spoilt since 5 years ago mother.

I crossed-dressed once over the month. It's easy for a girl to cross-dress but it bothered me that I was called handsome.

I think I'll miss Dr Swami and his calm collected composure.

I hate Justin Bieber.

I took the lift of the National Library to the highest floor only so that we can take it back to the first level. The lift there is super fast it's like a very cheap thrill ride!!

Enjoying public transport to the fullest by screeching songs at the train station. Songs sang by Christina and Mariah Carey; where the tones are so high even if I peed while screeching I won't reach it. Fun!

We shared 2 regular pizzas and felt like 2 pregnant walruses. I also made (instant) clam chowder and grilled salmon with rice for dinner ~ And we screamed the place down playing street fighter 4.

I MISS STREET FIGHTER 4. ): It was confiscated because I was too distracted with it to study.

On Friday right after my exams we are going to be tourists in Singapore, and I was really considering on checking in at Hotel 81 to make it all real.

We're going Tioman, hopefully with Osha Indah and Yt along!
No Az please.

I scoured a bit for jobs and I hope the degree would allow me to get a decent paying job because I want to go somewhere nice during end of year! And take photography lessons.

Eat Choki Choki! And stuff tissues in her mouth HAHA.
And writing strange messages on her back and tummy and she can't erase it ^^

And simply lovvvviiiiinnnnngggggggg you ~~

Parents bought blue-ray player. I'm going to save up for the best show of all time, and it'll probably own on blue ray,
LORD OF THE RINGS.

Pwnz yo.

The February!

2010-02-23T11:31:00.002+08:00

February's almost coming to a close! And of course being nothing short of magical (:

Ilyana went off and I went to the airpork to send her, with Kyun on tow. And the best thing about that part is that my uncle sent us home in his truck! It was so cool! Wind in our faces and stars up high. It was so cooling and so awesome ~ But according to Ashraf not so cool when it rains and they had to cover themselves (I have 5 cousins) with a plastic sheet.

Last week I spent every day with her; be it studying, making breakfast together with Indah and Osha, going to arcades, watching movies (The Lightning Thief show's quite good), being pampered and shop. OMG I NEED SHOES.

And also that week the parentals decided to elope to KL for the weekends so she stayed over the weekends too (: Very nice to wake to warm arms and her comfortable presence. And shopping at NTUC with vouchers mother gave, having grilled salmon with rice for dinner.
I LEARNED TO MAKE SCRAMBLED EGGS MACD STYLE (cool yaw).
Haha and so very nice to have the whole house dark, with a little lamp switched on (pseudo-camping).

Mocks are here, I'm quaking with fear.
As if.

Off to cycle and jumping into the water!

I love.

2010-02-02T23:58:00.002+08:00

So we talked of fears amidst tears which enveloped our souls silly.

Anyway I went cycling from East Coast to Changi with her. At the end of it all, at 2 blazing pm we jumped into the sea and laughed our hearts out and trying hard to drown her. I am very red now.

As she closed the windows and packed my bag for me, filled the bottle and reminded me of everything, Kyun managed to slip in the sweetest thing, I found when I came back and pulled my keyboard.
A post it with "I Love You (: " on the top corner.

This is the person I see every single day, being sent to and from school, playing arcade and singing songs and have deep conversations and simply staring at each other while screaming and twirling and racing across the streets, 'whispers' in the ears and of course the innocent romp now and then.

School has been rather busy but I managed time with many other things. I'm scrimping a lot and her presto I'm attending a free photography workshop with guest speaker Karin Geiger and we're hitting Chinatown for photos and shopping for her.
Excited much with life.

Boundaries.

2010-01-30T20:40:00.002+08:00

It is scary what I wouldn't do, and what I would do with you. Sometimes boundaries get blurry going about definitions and denying. I don't know how further there is to go but one thing for sure it does put a lot of meaning to cliches and suddenly life becomes full of it. If the presence of one is felt every, single day, how do you think one would fair with the other not around? Dependence, whether emotionally or physically, is rather scary, like walking on clouds not knowing where the next step will bring you.
Sometimes I dream of fears and being let known fear. Waking up to warm arms and closeness does soothe the nightmare, but sometimes it takes a long while to get over the shakiness of trespassing reality into dreams.

Strange days, but it was good talking it out with you.

See Through.

2010-01-18T10:31:00.002+08:00

Ohh there's something I am glad for, that is webcams. I love love webcamming with Kyun and almost playing charades that way.

It's going to be a financially tough year this 2010. If all goes well we'll be off to my sunny island Tioman in March. If all goes well, she'll be off for exchange over the States and I do plan to visit her there after my exams end (which is June 10 bitch). I have the urge to explore the States (and of course I think I'll die if I'm away for too long).
Plus finally resume driving, or else I'm never going to take it. The only motivation is that I can use the car and it'll be easy for both me and you, no matter how close we stay.
And also, even the Mother asked if I wanted Photography Classes. I really badly do. It is really costly though, 250 for 6 lessons with 3 field trips.
I want to have much more experience with the Canonet. Which obviously spells money, because developing film into a cd is 8$ and film is 4$. That's for 12 dollars foir 36 frames.
You know how trigger-happy I can be.

But otherwise, no qualms about 2010. I'm going to start working, save up money like an old woman, try moving out by 2015 (renting apartments I guess, could be a bitch but it beats buying) with the money. But everyone knows I spend like water. So it's up to the girlfriend to take all my money and dump them where money can grow.

Also focusing hard on my units, which can be quite hard seeing how distracted I can be. No matter! I can do it (:

-

2010-01-08T12:36:00.001+08:00

Oit! I'm officially not blogging on this anymore, only little snippets. I've moved permanently onto another place but it's for a few to know and none to find out.

(: Really the time of my life.

Birthday (:

2009-11-15T20:10:00.002+08:00

I turned 21 (finally) and I am verily touched by all of their gestures. ((:

On the day itself I had lunch with Katbaby Glenda Dewi and Andi! Sarpino's was awesome and each of them gave me something cute. Purple Post-Its and a sweet letter+card+photo from Andi, Katbaby gave me the cutest-looking sweets plus small sized donuts!! A very adorable photo-holder from Glenda and a purple bear from the Indonesian.
What's with the purple colour.... -.-

Kyun fetched me from the mrt station and brought me to our secret place: the rooftop terrace. And there was a guitar, roses, and a bottle of white stars with 21 red ones. I just died, it was so so romantic; beneath the pavilion with the rain all around us. Oh my gosh, what a day! She read me a letter she wrote and sang me a song, because I've been bugging her to sing me something for my birthday. IT WAS THE SWEETEST SONG.
Stayed for quite a long while before heading to the airpork for dinner. Kyun got me a cake and started singing, much to my embarrassment the person who sat next to our table started singing too. (: I love you so very much, despite what you wrote in the red stars ._.

Just past Friday I went out with Indah Osha Az Elf Mima and Kyun to bowl, chat and have dinner at Simpang. They annoyingly gave me an encyclopedia of cats and The Holocaust. WITH PICTURES. Omg I swooned like mad and they recorded it. There goes my face.

((: Pasir Ris Park screaming and ohh POLAROIDS I LOVE.
Don't know what I did to deserve such an understanding and sweet, so caring and funny person, but I'm not letting her go ~

Geek.

2009-10-23T00:25:00.002+08:00

It's been long since I wrote something here! I've been all angsty and whatnot past few months but I've been terribly terribly happy too. School started, gotten closer to a great bunch of people and life is going on so well right now actually. There's so much that has happened I don't know where to start but most importantly,

Hi Kyun (: You make me so very happy.

Short Up.

2009-07-27T21:40:00.002+08:00

Hello! Disappeared for quite a while and hey ho,

I am having quite the ball of my life. With you, with her, with everyone else.
Some disappointments and niggly feelings but nothing friends can not cure.

Alright, time to shower for a nice tomorrow.

(: &d

,

2009-06-10T00:42:00.001+08:00

Exams are FINALLY over! Yay, back from 3 day 2 nights at Sibu Island, preparing for CampInc, busy as hell, but loving it.

Just to say, I am on an indefinite hiatus for this blog. I feel even this isn't private enough. I'm temporarily on another space. If I don't tell you about it, sorry.

That's it folks, it's a good amount of years on this place but there's the urge to move on to something new.

HIATUS, maybe.

2009-06-03T10:10:00.002+08:00

Just two more days. I haven't blog much here,sorry for the neglect but I feel more at ease at the other now.

Last Saturday we had mock camp and despite all the tiredness, it was freaking good. I feel that the work the progs put in paid off ((:

And so parentals went off to Bali and had came back. On Saturday Kyun Osha and Az came over for the night, it was beyond fun! Playing stress, that ELLEN game, jammed, a lot of Osha-traumatising, watched two movies and went for breakfast. All in all, only sleeping at 930 am for the day. And repaying this lack of sleep until today, there's always the lethargy in your bones when you don't sleep.

God, I'm still trying to figure her out, being so predictably unpredictable. Sighh.

Econometrics revision paid off, so I need to make it the same for my Abstract Math.

Anyway last week I was having a high weekend, because RAFAEL NADAL LOST. If the king of claylost for the very first time in Roland Garros, life is made more exciting and uncertain! Ivanovic went out too. That was a crazy Sunday night.

Can't wait for Friday to come. In a way I am really glad my examinations stretch over the month so I have more time to prepare. And see more of for reassurance.
On the other hand, it makes July comes faster. I am still undecided if I want it to come fast or not, maybe it should.

Last weekend at Port Dickson was a fun but slightly painful two days. If two days feel like this, what is 8 weeks?

Meh.

Shameless;

2009-05-15T22:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday tahlil at arwah Faruk's place was good. The money that his mother gave us, we didn't want it. And since it was impolite to give it back, we decided to donate it. I feel good.

Matin drove 5 girls back home, it was madness, really. Four people squeezed at the back of a modest Nissan. Hahah!

And Khay came over we can quite click when it comes to song choices on Rosie and Medusa.

I went cycling with Osha and Az and we died.
And Osha said I supposedly flirted with the bicycled aunt. Hence the woman asking for my number. Freaking hilarious.

Being shameless and just plain annoying.

(a conversation going on before about the old aunty...)
Kyun: HAHAHAH what did you say? How old was she anyway?
Ili: About my mother's age! And I was just being friendly. I didn't know I had such charm. I tried on Osha though but it didn't work. (and here is where my shameless sentence inserts itself)
Do you think it'll work if I try it on you?
Kyun: It's hard to try anything on Osha. Tried and tested. And fail. Lol, why not? ;)

Gosh I cannot stop smiling at that!

gaaaaaaaaaah

2009-05-13T22:20:00.003+08:00

TOMORROW IS MICRO, MICRO WWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY IS THERE THE PRESSURE FOR ME TO PASS (well it's a pre-req) BUT AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

PANIC PANIC PANIC.

WWWWWWWWHHHHYYYYYYYYY MUST MICRO BE TOUGHER THAN MACRO GOD I HOPE JOHN CHARD WILL BE NICE TO SET THE PAPER EASIER THAN LAST'S OR TWO YEARS BACK.

Ok if I don't live to see tomorrow 1pm you know what happened.

KTHXBAI.

&

2009-05-11T00:19:00.003+08:00

God, tell me how to walk away,
when all she does is make me smile each day.

Smile inside out, smile...

I wonder why I asked for more when I have me in your waking thoughts,
maybe if you stop reminding me that it will get easier with time,
easier on me.

Ah. Back to work.

Funny Cousins

2009-05-10T18:57:00.003+08:00

I had to increase the font because I felt it was wee bit small.

I either take longer than normal people to realise this or my eyes are getting worse.

Study study study makes my head burst. Verge of bursting. I didn't get to chase twice for shower. HAHA. It is funny how the simplest and silliest things made my day.

We had a picnic at the mosque while the Ustadz was giving a sermon. How blasphemous! But seriously, if you have good salad (especially if they are from Charco's) I think I'm quite forgiven.
Hahahaha maybe not.

My cousins are funny, love their blogs, especially Tisya's. Let me quote some recent examples.

"i remember when i was young i loved to give my mum things that i can use.
for example; mathematical set, ruler, colour pencil.
and when i give her, a few days later i'll ask her for it and i'm the one who uses it.
HEY, AT LEAST THE THOUGHT IS THERE EYH!"

"so... mothers day is drawing near. HAHAH KAY NO. this is gg to be interesting cos all the past presents i bought my mom are all, rubbish? i'm gonna get my mum some eshays candles from town so my present is sorted out.
BUT THE QUESTION IS WHETHER MY MUM WILL GET HER MUM A PRESENT OR NOT.
duudeee. its like defining. its like if she gives her a present, its like "i love you very much" but if she doesnt, its all "OH NO SHE DIDNNTT".
will be interesting ;)"

"eh, minah! kau takmu main tembak bende konek pasal kawan aku uh! kau siape sia nak bebual pasal dier gtu macam!? kau ingat ni funfair per sia! please la eh! mak bapak tak ajar per untuk MIND YOUR OWN BLOODY BUSINESS?!?! sumpah sia! no life bodoh kau! kau cakap dier da tak virgin? kau ade proof ke tak ni sekarang? eh, sekali KAU yang da tak clean siakk! vajayjay dah longar pe girl?"

I cannot take it any longer but to laugh at the hilarity of 14 year olds.

Goodness, I never felt so jittery for exams I haaaaate it when I'm pressured. If I fail, remoduling takes money.
Money gone during recession period = FAIL.
And of course other unspeakable motivations.

It's been like these lately, I walk on clouds but once in a while I fell through the un-solid part of it. Gravity is reality after all. And of course, having checks on my sanity, humility, pride, and again reality does wonders to soothe the soul.
Like milk. (:

Ok like what Ms Koh love to say, press on! I am looking forward to the 15th where I can cycle, planning for Ubin with Osha Kyun and Azizah.
Annnnd have long midnight conversations again <3

God let the exams fly.

Syed Faruk's

2009-05-09T03:27:00.004+08:00

Well, it came a day and a few hours late.
It was on 8th May, 0050hours, so I was told.

So morning came and like the usual the alarm went off when I suddenly realised it was my ringtone. Nabila hardly calls you know? More less call at 7am.

But well, soon things end, it is just inevitable.

There are events that bind us together, and this is not a good example, but an example nonetheless. One by one, old TKsians contacted each other, share the same feelings, passing of condolences. Old TKsians who never dream of talking or texting each other, bind together and call-trees really work. I guess by afternoon even the teachers were informed. Talk about giving communication a run for its money. It's too sudden, too unnerving, I'm just left shaken.

Well,

Syed Faruk,
8th May 2009, 0050am.
due to a motorbike accident
passed away.

He has got so much in store for the future. NUS, turning 21 next month, mother's pride, the future bread winner for the family.

Well, did brought things to perspective.

Rest well friend, rest well.

Insane.

2009-05-05T21:22:00.001+08:00

Because sometimes you breathe, all over my skin.
And you always end up, much closer than close.
Closer than close.
And that is when
I give in.

Thoughts.

2009-04-27T12:03:00.003+08:00

In life one would have different views than the other party, such that one thinks he is right, while the other wrong.
Some felt... nothing at all yet some felt the world.

Some actions taken led one to think over and over,
while left the other feeling quite indifferent about it.

Sometimes what we perceive, derive conclusions out of events and we thought the other would feel the same, yet what they conclude is not in line.

When are we to intersect in the course of life and come to an agreement? As much as they say being able to read minds and understand, as much as they say to know exactly how one feel, it is only to a certain extent that they are capable of.

As always, the minds keep so many secrets and when let out, destroy many deemed precious. But bottling can only lead to destruction.

So what should one do?

Left alone, the mind buzzed with unnecessary reminders and facts that goes on playback, coming up with the most absurd conclusions from what I see and what I feel.
Yet as absurd as it is, there's the faint hope of wanting it to be true. And still voices ran through. Reconciliation with both possible and beyond is tough.

How silly.

Tending to cling on to old photographs that has long faded and meant nothing, nothing except only where I imagine it to come alive.

Which is more selfish, to feel the acute pain lying through teeth clenched too tightly for other's benefit?
Or to severe whatever ties we have so to refrain from it, such that severing ties would hurt both, but having a more personal gain?

How is it, to protect one, you feel the lines cutting into your skin?

Is it right to lay down the floor unknowingly slick and expect one to walk it, and however cautious one is, the possibilty of falling is there?
Mm somehow there are certain issues best left unsaid, but best felt and so to know boundaries without ever speaking it out.
Awkwardness, and to a larger extent calamity may ensued if spoken out, but without speaking the lines would always be blurred.
And it takes a clairvoyant to achieve such feat.

And the story goes on.

Actions always speak louder than words.
What if both contradict? What is best to believe? As much as words seduce one to believe, action is there to ground it all.
What if its the other way around?

As always, I'm just tired. The weekends had been horrid, so so horrid. Saturday night when I was left alone, tending to the heart which gets increasingly noisy in the silence of an empty house. Dinner did brought up my spirits, thank you Pei and mother, but after that it felt so so painful, further made better and worse by a phone call.

How did it come to this? I really have no idea. I have no more words to spare anyone, so I thought, that I would just resign and come back. So desperate for company to get things off the mind, but as always asking for it was not something I am comfortable with.
Felt so weary ready to be hit by another round of it when dusk went and came the night.

But the doorbell rang, and there they stood,
Osha And Kyun, ready to save me until they caught a last bus home.

Really, you two, thank you so, so much.

8 weeks of Oz Land fuck

2009-04-22T11:55:00.002+08:00

A brief before I go.

Ah we attempted free BnJs cone day yesterday but obviously queue was mother long and it spiraled to the third floor (shop's on the second). Obviously disappointed but Cold Storage and cheap bread made up for it.

Mmmmm this week is the last week of school, she nearly robbed me of my crumpler because it's so filthy and she wants to wash it for me. How sweet. 5th June, I'll pass them all to you (: Nowadays the race is quite on, I need to be more intensive but somehow there's a moment or two that I just felt like I want to give up. But I must persevere!

I cannot wait for examinations to be over (it's not even started yet haha!) so I can resume full force teaching and just plain rolling on beds, more movie marathons, sleepovers, holidays, cycling and so much more. This is a motivation to study so I can actually LOOK forward to the papers.

But then, eight weeks. ELF, EIGHT WEEKS. How the fuck am I suppose to survive eight weeks when I am so used to having you around?? This is not fair. Just thinking about it gives me a sense of dread.

And a sense of not wanting the exams to be over.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

Oh and, beautiful day today; sunny with clumpy clouds. If any of you isn't out enjoying it, go.

Motivational!

2009-04-20T01:53:00.001+08:00

I love these.

A Line.

2009-04-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

"You're my special angel.
Show me the way..."

Rrrr.

2009-04-17T01:40:00.001+08:00

My thosai craving was satisfied, I ate two of them at one go even.

Please refrain from saying "pig".

It's getting more nerve-racking as the days pass. I am really trying but I guess it might just not be... enough.

ANYWAY to not think of depressing shitz (like exams yo) I went supper with Cj (: And there I ate two thosais. We sat around talking about life and all the shitz that's been going on and counting blessings. She even sent me home, such a man <3

Insomnia isn't really the best of company, not when she's asleep and not when I have to teach tomorrow at an unGodly hour.

Creep.

2009-04-16T02:16:00.002+08:00

"When you were here before.
I couldn't look you in the eye.
You are just like an angel.
Your skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather.
In a beautiful world.
I wish I was special.
You're so fucking special.

But I am a creep.
I am a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts.
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice
when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special.

She's running out again.
She runs, runs... runs.

Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want."

I had some shots of a very pretty sunset (it's on fb or the other blog, if you know the other blog). It's just worth the climb and wait haha!

"We should watch sunsets together!"

Yes we should.

Anyway I had lunch at Charco's with the mother, and she likes the salad bar. I do too. I probably stuffed my face away and now to punish myself for being a glutton I hadn't anything except a pathetic apple since lunch.

I WANT BREAKFAST TO COME FASTER.

Anyway ilikat recorded more songs (I can't be the one who kept singing dammit it's your turn!) and I really enjoy it. Maybe I should just spend my life basking away in Europe. What an experience it will be.

Whenever I play Creep (the song above), I feel a certain amount of emotion running through.
Maybe it's something I can relate to.

Oh wells. My days can't get anymore trigger happy with morning greetings and later morning sweetings.

Ha!

Sand;

2009-04-12T00:38:00.002+08:00

"You keep me in a glass jar sealed with a label
You think you know my world
Wake up young girl
and take a taste of life that we must
We've got a lot to learn, yeah
My love, my life, my work, my time
I give them all to you
Your hand in mine, we walk, we talk in ryhme
We go the whole night through yeah

But i'm not a grain of sand
I don't care what's written in your hand
cause it's bound to change, yeah

Sore, bored, and I'm lost, cost, cold
Getting older
Buy the book, rip it up now, have it sewn
I'm a grower
Anymore, anymore, anymore, anymore
I wanna be with you
Just wanna be with you

But you tease me
And it shows in the way that you play,
You think you know my love
Wake up young girl
And take a taste, not a bite, of life,
You can tell you never come, yeah well
My will, my mind, my lips, my lines
I've got them all over you

Your taste combined
With all the years of wasting time
I've got a hold on something new

But i don't wanna pray for what is not right
And I don't wanna beg for what is not mine
I don't wanna run the road between dreams and worthy things
Oh i could charge, man I could really try
But I don't wanna be the brave one in a senseless fight
No, i, i, i, i just wanna be here tonight

You keep me in a glass jar sealed with a label
You think you know my world
Wake up young girl"

I never really liked the rain before, because it gets either horridly cold, or horridly humid. Today it probably drowned populations but I never felt happier nowadays when it rained.
Since it reminds you of me, all the time.

((:

BIZARRE.

2009-04-10T23:16:00.003+08:00

Today was definitely a bizarre day, come towards the end of it.

At Michelle's party, I saw Wei Ling from school. Wei Ling?! GOSH it's really peculiar knowing that she is Michelle's closer SC friend.

AND THE BEST THING WAS THAT I MET HER BEFORE 3 YEARS AGO AND CALLED HER ROSY BECAUSE SHE GOT ROSY CHEEKS. AND THAT SHE WAS FROM AJC.
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT UNTIL IT HIT ME LIKE A BRICK (a brick wall seemed more apt).

The next was that when I went to Michelle's older blogpost to recall Weiling AKA Rosy,
WHEN I SAW PRISCILLA AND PAMELA LIM'S PHOTOS PLASTERED ON HER BLOG.

KAT WE'RE JUST GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM OHMYGOD.

I can't stand this, I feel terribly weirded out.
Totally man.

A moment of Katupitidty;

2009-04-08T17:17:00.002+08:00

Funniest shit of the year man.

-------------

Ili: eh i talk to you in an hour's time
Ili: im studying on the floor
Ili: so its tiring to keep getting back up to reply
Kat: lol
Kat: no
Kat: REPLY
Kat: GET UP
Kat: AHAHA
Kat: EXERCISE
Kat: LAZY BONES
Kat: HAHAHA
Kat: HELLO
Kat: HELLO
Kat: HELLO
Kat: HELLO
Kat: HELLO
Kat: HELLOOOOOOO
Kat: HAHAHH
Kat: k la
Kat: i shant disturb you
Kat: have fun studying
Kat: but please. i only wellwish my wish because it is only lasting for 5mins
Kat: after 5 mins stop studying
Kat: cos its not fun anymore
Kat: spoil market only
Kat: lol
Kat: 5oclock got ellen show
Kat: go watch go watch go watch
Kat: actually today i wanted to ask you to play guitar
Kat: but i got so lazy
Kat: and i realise transportation is a problem
Kat: because i have to beg a beggar to give me money
Kat: hahah
Kat: am i disturbing enough yet?
Kat: i bet you just wanna go offline
Kat: or i bet you find the msn sounds sounding rather rhythmic
Kat: haha.
Kat: anyway
Kat: alrigh
Kat: i shall go eat chocolates
Kat: curb the fingers
Kat: hahah
Kat: hahaha
Kat: hahaha
Kat: hahahahah
Kat: hahahahah
Kat: hahahahaha
Kat: hahahaha
(this is where I text her : I'm on busy status so there won't be any sound from the com, but I can see you type. It'll be a one way convo!)
Kat: wah lao
Kat: sly minah!
Kat: wanna send msg and all
Kat: shit you la
Kat: wth wth wth.
Kat: i feel so punk'd
Kat: hahaha
Kat: one way convo
Kat: okay
Kat: then you ONE WAY CONVO ALL THE WAY THEN
Kat: fine nadirah/precious
Kat: hahahahahahaha
Kat: F > I > N > E

HAHAH I couldn't take it that I had to call her. And there she was thinking she's annoying me while all the time I'm on the floor, the screen turned to my direction and her conversation window on full screen, literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

AIYOH KAT DON'T ACT CUTE CAN.

2009-04-08T15:37:00.000+08:00

Right now, I am dying in Econometrics hell.

I NEEEEEEEEEED HELP.

Parents =.=

2009-04-06T10:27:00.003+08:00

You think my parents won't pull off the same trick again but they did.
Remember in 2005 they went gallivanting in Europe and left me in Singapore? And in 2007 they went hopping around Canada and parts of the States, leaving their poor daughter behind?
Now they are setting off to Bali in the middle of May (my examination period please) so that I could not follow.

PARENTS, WHY.

I've been in an academic rut but I am doing my best to climb out. I hope I succeed but the thing with this is that procrastination, yet again, get the better of me.

Never mind, persevering still. I am happy where I am actually and I don't want anything to change (think Solow Growth).
But in life, if you are enjoying TOO much, something is wrong.

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul,
of the soul,
of the soul.”
-Rumi

The Random Email

2009-03-31T22:10:00.003+08:00

I've got this hilarious email from Sir. I thought I would be nice and share. (:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the ~~stomach~~ was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

The Robot.

2009-03-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

Sense and feel,
your hurt.
God, I wish I could stop your hurt.

Wish that
I could be there,
I could hold your shaken being,

I want to tell you that
it will be okay.
That your heart is to be held by four hands,
of smoothness.

I want to comfort you with
words that soothe,
that heals,
that is a balm to your soul.

I want to hold your tiny fingers,
red, slender.
I want to rub those lines away.
I want to brush the hazel off your eyes,
tuck it 'neath your ear,
and tell you that
it is okay.

I want to turn the watch on
your wrist a warm blue.

And make everything perfect for you.

Balm.

2009-03-16T00:10:00.003+08:00

Tonight was a contrast to the previous night. Lately days have been so emotionally fluctuating it's like riding a tide that is high. But I'm holding on (I'm gonna be your number one, I'm not the kind of girl who gives up juuuust like that, oh nooo no nooo).

DON'T YOU MISS THOSE SONGS.

So my days were quite mediocre; I sent my brother to Tekong, which is really a pretty island as I mentioned to Hamzah. In a way I miss his presence, and there's more responsibilities that crept so subtly, like switching off the lights to the house, locking the doors and closing the windows.

And I slept my whole Thursday away because I was just, too exhausted.

Friday was silly. Cycling and getting caught in the rain, not stopping but continuing on. Nearly got hit by a vehicle again, skidding, getting all that dirt on me, visiting Vincent at East Coast and nearly spoiling my earphones in the wet weather. Staying home and got caught in the distresses of home, keeping up late nights happily.

Saturday went bicycle-hunting after AAM. I'm getting more familiar with the students, so it's getting better for me. Unfortunately not as familiar with the other mentors as I would have liked to, safe for a few like Azzah and Nadiah, and my cousins and of course, Hamzah.
But yes, Iman needed a bicycle and who better to save her but me. And who better to save me but him. Yes, out of better sense I called him and the three of us had fun macaron-eating, drowning glasses of drinks like nobody's business, eating and walking so much and teasing my poor poor student about pink bicycles.
AND HOW EVERY CAB DROVE PASS AND REFUSE TO TAKE US IN JUST BECAUSE WE HAD A MOUNTAIN BICYCLE ON TOW.

Majority of the day was spent at home, when I saw something I shouldn't and strangely it... hurts? Knowing of another side I am totally oblivious to and taking me by aback was not the nicest of things to happen. And it was raining and I was alone at home to make the matter worse.
So I was about to turn in for a good crying when a saviour in the form of Andrea called because she felt something was wrong when I disappeared offline so suddenly, and I was saved from a horrid night.

Mosque on Sunday morning and I spent it sleeping on Naz's nice soft white-musk smelling back which reminded me of a pillow. And went out food hunting with Ilyana and Ammar. We went to Charco's Grill at AMK to eat chicken and God-mode salads, which just killed me. It's so nice you could have gone to heaven eating it. And it poured again, so I cancelled tuition to spend the afternoon sleeping.
Naz, next time PLEASE join us in our food-expeditions because it's just awesome,
and because WE, ILI and ILY, made it awesome.
I sheltered a stranger to the bus stop because I know how awful it is to be stagnant due to the rain.

I had one of the nicest sweetest online conversation tonight, it really left such a warm glow in my heart, thank you so so much.

-----------

♪ Asher Shea : you're a pretty awesome person too.. you know.
♪ Asher Shea : well i'm just really glad we met
♪ Asher Shea : and somehow.. i dont know
♪ Asher Shea : found each other
♪ Asher Shea : along the way of life
♪ Asher Shea : i can gladly say that these few months have been blessed because of your presence in my life.
♪ Asher Shea : thats simply what i have to say.
♪ Asher Shea : i guess.. i've always been used to being whoever someone needs to be.. hence whatever you need me to be.. i'll be..
♪ Asher Shea : but few people have let me be me
♪ Asher Shea : however some people, such as yourself
♪ Asher Shea : do.. let me just be me
♪ Asher Shea : and for that i'm grateful, because then i'm not running away from myself but rather getting to know myself better
♪ Asher Shea : you somehow let me be me.. i guess that's the accepting side of you
♪ Asher Shea : and willingness to... appreciate a person with respect, a friend..
♪ Asher Shea : or maybe because we somehow compliment each other
♪ Asher Shea : in ways i dont know how to cite examples
♪ Asher Shea : but like when i spend time with you
♪ Asher Shea : its easy and effortless, you know?
♪ Asher Shea : no strife
♪ Asher Shea : i dont really know who i am when nobody's around
♪ Asher Shea : kind of thing
♪ Asher Shea : like.. i need other people to be there for me to be defined
♪ Asher Shea : whereas with you,
♪ Asher Shea : i realise that there's actually a real me
♪ Asher Shea : underneath everything
♪ Asher Shea : haahah do you understand?

-----------

Talk about being appreciated, it's really a lovely feeling.

AND I finally talked to Damsel on the phone and it was good to hear a very familiar voice. She's treating me dinner next week (; And anyway her grades weren't AS bad as I thought, I hate students who can be so drama ;p

All in all, a really good way to wrap up this week.

.

2009-03-12T23:18:00.001+08:00

So you see, it would be much better if it does not become to something more.

Sweet.

2009-03-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

Boy In Striped Pajamas is quite a watch, so catch it if you can (:

The day started with the pour of rain on earth, rain so heavy it blinds you. But I managed my way out with the help of the Father sending me to the train station.

1-for-1 drink, nearly buying a Fred Perry bag (NOT ME), squeezing of the arm near the ending. STOMACH-GROWLING, not once but twice (loudly please) in the cinema. Pen-hunting and resisting temptations of an 18$ bread, peculiar tasting tartar sauce and too hot fries. Explicit/too much information and Singtel horrors.
I have still yet to upgrade my plan -.-

Anyway I didn't mention a thing about the results. It was okay, nothing too outstanding, or devastating. ((: I've gotten my sleep, and I'm glad.

You know what made my day?

"Anyway, I really enjoyed myself today with you, every moment... thank you for braving the rain, suggesting the film, and walking around with me :) I really loved everything."

Thank you. (:

I pray you are well tonight.

Random Shiz.

2009-03-07T23:09:00.003+08:00

That boredom, and the need to de-stress.

-----

What is your current ringtone?
My phone is perpetually silent.

What is your current wallpaper?
DARIA WERBOWY.

Do you own a picture phone?
Yes. Doubt there's much phones nowadays without a camera.

If so, what was the last picture you took?
Carol.

Go to your inbox and type what the 10th text message says?
"Thanks for making me feel special... (: Good night and sweet dreams..."

How many contacts do you have on your phone?
Too many to count.

Who was the last person you spoke to on your cell phone?
The grandmother.

What service do you have?
? Singtel?

At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your service?
Full.

Who's on your speed dial numbers?
No one. i don't know how to use it.

Do you have voice mail?
No.

How many contacts do you have that start with J- Who are they?
A lot. One of them is JIEN. Haha.

Who do you call the most?
Grandmother.

How many text messages do you get a month?
A thousand or so.

Can you send pictures?
NO. This is sad that my gprs is just faulty.

What are the first 2 digits to your number?
91

Go to your SENT texts..what does the first one say?
"That's great, now you'll be more cheerful, I am glad! Enjoy the rest of your evening. Please take care."

What about the 15th?
"Have my socks on. (: Sweet dreams, you"

Who's the last person that you called?
Mother.

Last person that texted you?
Andrea.

Last person you text?
... Andrea.

Last person you added to your contacts?
Some guy I coined Peavey since he is selling me the amp.

How many minutes are on your plan?
100 free!

Go down to your 5th contact, who is it?
ADILAH.

Wanna give out your number?
If you're hot, then probably, yeah.

If you're wonderingg;

2009-03-05T19:53:00.004+08:00

I'm so proud of Carol, everyone who saw her says she's so beautiful, curvy, sexy, and fierce (Sasha style).
((:

Just the random shizbiz been staying home far too much for comfort, my ass is stretching further than Sahara, but I have cut down on spending.
AM PROUD OF MYSELF.

So I went lunch, treated my mum (finally) and went on a crrrazy spree at Sheng Siong.
If you think one cannot go on a spree at supermarkets, you've got it all wrong.
(Naz remember the other time we wanted to exhaust 50$ worth of NTUC vouchers and ended topping up to it?)

Uncle Toby's with chocolate chip is way too good. So are apples (even if they're China produced).
I don't draw boundaries on food, when it taste good, just taste good.
Even rabbit sweets!

I'm feeling quite giddy with I-don't-know-what.

OH. TOMORROW 1400HOURS.

I'm getting the jitters and I sent out texts to those affected by it tomorrow.
But God knows how I'll feel tomorrow.
As Afifa mentioned, "If I don't come home on Friday, tell my parents I love them."

It was raining and raining and raining.

It had to be that it wasn't raining you see, just when I alighted the bus, it didn't rain still.
Just when I put a feet OUT of the shelter that it poured boys&girls&men&women. As I reached Pei En's house her mom was groping me all over to see if I'm dry.
Such hospitality ((: Thank you! With sweet potato haha.
I PRAY YOU'LL DO WELL FOR THIS MODULE.

Yesterday night/morning was uncalled for. I finally opened the songs he send me since he knew I love learning new songs.
It is unfair he should send me If, and Diary by Bread.
It is unfair that he should make me hear him out this way.
But yes the lyrics were just... too painful to listen, yet so pretty.

"I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me.
The words began stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it."

How less subtle can it get?

On a lighter note, I am SO seriously starting studying properly (KAT DID YOU HEAR THAT).

AND SHE ASKED ME OUT!

OHMYGOD excited habis.

Carol.

2009-03-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

I tried to find that pot of gold but it was quite elusive.
I gave up searching.

SAY HELLO TO CAROL. Carol is just sweet when I tried her out at Kyun's. Now I'm off to get an amp.

It gets easier with time.

Angst?

2009-02-26T23:27:00.003+08:00

Mocks around the corner and jitters (mild for my case, thankfully) tend to come like butterflies.

I don't know what IS the matter but it's annoying the fuck out of me.

Anyway! Met up with numerous people the past days, great (: I went studying at Compass with elf last Friday and we ended up playing basketball for a moment. Had the first time mentoring at Aljunied, and it turned out quite well! Was verily exhausted, accidentally dozed off at a student's place, crashed home (crashed the bed more likely) but was awaken by my mum grilling salmon, unagi, shisamo and teriyaki chicken.
She loves the grill.
I love her more than she loves the grill!

Sunday Monday Tuesday worth of teaching at Vincent, getting my pay = getting the Ibanez. And a whole lot of studying. Saw elf again on Tuesday with toes-tickling out in the cold wretched weather, missing someone terribly but too proud to say so. Adel popped by, we made merry and off to wherever we are needed.

Az was so excited about the Tioman trip that I have to plan (because of her -.-). I am looking forward to it also, but that's nothing compared to her. HA.

Wednesday was a whole lot of waiting around and studying at terminal 3 with Syahril. And guess who we saw? JONATHAN DAVID ELIAS. Gosh he looks so good now, all the weight loss and his girlfriend's pretty hot ;p But quite a to do catching up and such.
I didn't sit for my Abstract Math paper which was supposed to be yesterday because it was raining boys&girls, and I called Dr Swami and he allowed for today sitting (:

Which in a way wasn't that nice to me. I don't know HOW other's mood could really affect me and just. Bla.

Oh today I went out a-studying with Osha Indah Yun, BUT KYUN DIDN'T TURN UP. WHY.
It was an awesome place to study; Coffeebean Expo. The barista gave Indah a wrong-sized coffee and she only realised it when she's halfway through.
So he made one more for her, the right size. Talk about awesome free coffee.
I managed to do my Abs Math in one and a half hour, leaving a question blank because I didn't study Continuity of Functions. But it was perfect timing because I managed to see Nadz for a moment before she fly off to Aussie. And I finally passed her her book.

I need to start on Solow Growth before I go off to war tomorrow. Macroeconomics!

I think I should sleep it off.

Disappear;

2009-02-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

Is it really, truly possible for someone to disappear JUST like that, cut away from your life when you're so used to their presence?

This is seriously annoying me.

Annoyed;

2009-02-22T21:12:00.005+08:00

I think he's just trying to annoy the fuck out of me, and he better damn well stop texting me before I go over to his place with a hatchet.
Make it both men. I thought the older you get you're matured enough to understand things. Apparently not. Cyclists and fitness trainers have a problem with understanding no and that you bloody well not WANT them to contact.
Thick.

I am trying to study (for once) and when I start all these annoying dicks come and flood your inbox and persistently trying to garner a response which obviously I did not. But it's adding on to my irritation gauge and it's getting me into quite a sour mood.

GAH.

Dear Mother;

2009-02-18T00:47:00.001+08:00

"... But now, with this opportunity I will say that I love you, with all my heart, and yet I think it's not even enough for someone as loving and touching, and giving and gentle and strong and beautiful as someone like you. You're just incomparable.

I know that inevitably, one day, you will leave me to be by His side, and it is not something I look forward to. Frankly I don't even know how to cope with such a loss in my life, and I hope the strength you gave and taught me would suffice through that arduous time,
I really pray it would.

But before that day chance itself, I want to be sure that I had thank you.
Thank you, for all you have done, and all that you will do for me. Through sickness and health, wealth and poverty I will always be there for you.
Thank you for being with me.

I love you, I love you more than words could convey, more than anything else in the world,
I love you.

Please be proud of me, as I am of you.

Your one and only (which makes me technically) your favourite daughter,
Ili."

Micro shots of you;

2009-02-15T18:54:00.002+08:00

I was having fun experimenting with the micro shot function of my Powershot and they were pretty decent. I shall save the amount for the D60 and make do with what I have.

Much going ons for the past week or so, the family and some extendeds had dinner at Sofra for my mum's birthday.

This is a shameless hussy who rolled and lay on the dining table whilst I teach.

School had been school, the economic jargon quite seeped into my system that I could understand most of what he's lecturing and even explain to Chewy.
Mondays Tuesdays were days of very little sleep, not that I minded, it was with considerably comfortable company ((: Wednesday went Mustafa shopping (Zhong's and her friend Xue's virgin experience) and it was good fun sniffing perfumes,
reeking of perfumes actually. We had a little war on Zhong she stank to high heaven.
And dinner with the two males, Syahril looked so smart in his work attire!

Thursdays were always long days but they get better every passing week. We went for lunch at PS and were joined by the rest and arcade! My goodness it was a total house of sin. Shared the same bowl of fish soup again and a nice walk back ((:

Anyway I was bullied beyond belief to go Sentosa on Friday with Andrea Chinh Gerry Chao Pam&Pris (the Lim twins lol) and Sou. As many things where you expect things to turn bad, it proved to be otherwise. Had my fix of frisbee and soccer and touch rugby, the REAL touch rug with all the yaya rules about five steps ten steps. But it was fun. And burning. I was quite red, as pointed out.
Nice quiet time (:
And then they arcade for a bit. The Lim twins and Sou were ruthless in this peculiar game where you had to throw the ball at the screen.

Mm Pei was so nice to make me chocolates. It's REALLY nice, thank you (:

I went teaching on Saturday with the texts in between (: Had Ivy's party at night and met with the old - Khay Huda Teo Cc Faris Din Zel Fana and Bomb. Sad some of the others didn't turn up. Cc sent most of us home (his Estima can fit) and his driving was... heart-attack inducing, and of course mercilessly teased by the boys -.-

Of days where you can never get happier.
And then you did. Thank you.

Mochi.

2009-02-06T23:59:00.002+08:00

Fridays tend to go wrong for me. No exception to today. Bad start but somehow it gets better (thankfully) as the day progresses.

School has been muddling my brains as I struggled to find the inertia to get my revision done. It has been silent these few while, but it was comfortable, though there was such yearnings to hear you out.

Mm teaching and what not, tiring but fulfilling, satisfying. Today I felt very contemplative, in the fee-loh-so-fee-kal mode. Grabbing any outlet (turned out to be Naz's daily planner) and hastily scribbled words, as fast as I could without composing the mind so that I could capture my thoughts at it's purest.

Ah we always wished we could be neighbours.

Yesterday I was terribly silly to walk through Bedok Town Park (it's creepy at night, akin to Bedok Reservoir) just so to save 0.90$ on transport. I didn't know what possessed me and I saw quite a number of sleazy-looking characters, and I walked quite speedily.
One of the few moments I felt really scared and vulnerable because I'm just a girl and quite far from civilisation so even I scream no one could hear.
Correction, no one who would/could help could hear.
I prayed for courage and strength, and then I decided to look up into the sky. That's when I never felt alone again. You should see the sight of it! All the stars glittering like diamonds, so clearly that I could see.

Such a nice way to end a night suppering, sharing a bowl of fish soup because we're too poor to afford one each.

Ah, sleep is just what I need.
And mochi ice-cream ((:

... Tagged.

2009-02-02T11:01:00.002+08:00

I don't know how I am surviving with barely six hours of sleep. No thanks to Chewy calling to ask what road our school is, I cannot fall asleep after that. And now here I am, staring in space thinking of what to do, too late to cycle, too early to set off to school. Munching on Great Grains.
Lately I've been sleeping in my pullover and pants due to the exponential surge of mosquitoes. They like to buzz around my ears and I find them terribly irritating, like brothers.

With time to burn I'll just do the mindless Random Things thing that Naz (on her blog), Kyun Lynn Yats (on fb) have tagged me.

By the way, I, self-proclaimed noob of facebook, am no longer a noob of facebook.
But I still don't really fancy it haha.

25 Random Things About Me.

1. In secondary school I look like a total nerd and I have the interests of a nerd. (I fancy to think that I had made improvements!)

2. When I clip my fingers, I make them retardedly short.

3. I only properly listened to music when I was 15, otherwise previously I couldn't really bother?

4. When you open up my cupboard, you'll see books dumped in higgledy-piggledy.

5. When I go down the stairs, it is ALWAYS starting with the right foot and end with the left foot. When I go up the stairs, it is ALWAYS beginning with the left foot and end with a right foot.
I'll feel weird if it doesn't.

6. I have a slight aversion to chocolates, and candies. But I have a sweet tooth, for desserts especially.

7. I like Chinese food.

8. I have a thing for pretty calendars. HA.

9. I use a bathrobe. I'm a coward when it comes to cold.

10. If I stay home the whole day, I'll shower only once. It's not lazy, I'm trying to save the water. Apparently it runs in the blood (not my family but my relatives).

11. I feel horribly insecure if I leave home without a bag.

12. Any dog ear that I see I HAVE to straighten it. I hate dog ears. They spoil books. My students can attest to that.

13. I am a light sleeper, unless I'm exhausted beyond belief. You switch on the lights to my room and I'll wake.

14. Contrary to the very cheerful exterior, I'm quite the morose character inside.

15. I tend to write very well (as told by some) when I am depressed. I guess, to be a writer, I have to be in my hole.

16. I vandalise every surface that I lay my hands on if I could. This includes my computer table.

17. I like to discover songs by chance. Especially when it's nice; feels like you stumbled upon a treasure.

18. Being a girl, new things are my happy pills.

19. I like to be alone, being self-reliant and self-sufficient. That only happens in an ideal world, doesn't it?

20. I have a thing for short and sweet (doesn't only apply to things...).

21. I like to see the expression on people when I shatter their preconceptions of me. So delightful!
I am non-conformist to the extreme please.

22. I am VERY drawn to bags, especially blue chip brands.

23. I don't like to use portable umbrellas because I have to fold them, and anything that requires folding, I HATE.

24. I am actually very fair, but due to the sun sun sun I became what I am, brown.

25. My attention span is horribly short, I can't even watch a movie without someone beside me unless I am verily interested in it.

Okay that's about it. I don't know who to tag? Hamzah? Dr Liu? Kat? Pei En (I KNOW you're reading this)?

Oh Ballads.

2009-01-31T21:37:00.002+08:00

So, so you think you can tell,
Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
from a steel cold rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

EXEDITION PCN ELABORATED.

2009-01-30T23:52:00.003+08:00

Here is yesterday!

We started at Sunplaza Park, Tampines. Shortly after renting bicycles, We came by a very classy playground, complete with sandbox. So my favourite convent girl did the honours of posing for my very inadequately equipped Powershot.

Dr Liu up high on the swings.

We headed East towards Pasir Ris. It wasn't much of a journey. I made a fuss singing songs which made her wear a perpetual cringe on her already pained countenance.

Dr Liu leading the way (rather I screamed the directions). I was having fun annoying her by waving and screaming at the trains when it rumbled by.

Up a flyover. I could stay there forever looking out at the greenery and the sun, but Zhong had to drag me away.

We past Whitesands and entered Pasir Ris Town park, the one with a lake/pond. Size is subjective too.
We took sometime getting lost at the town park. And I happily took a shot of people fishing.

I can't see WHY people love fishing; you just sit and wait redundantly around for the fish. Might as well get it at the market, no? You even get to choose at the market.
Silly people.
Enter, heartland area! Since I could easily cycle without any hands holding on the bars, I was doing the Titanic, and screaming haitais+arm actions. I don't know how much Dr Liu had to endure (ie, pain of losing face), but I know I enjoyed myself.

Heartlands. Pasir Ris connector led us all around nowhere.

Strangers asking for directions, climbing crazy slopes and panting in a way that would put a hound to shame. But we persevered, and entered Loyang Avenue on our way to Changi Village. This stretch had a lot of those shameless bastards honking their, well, horns as they passed us, leering and smiling like the jerks they are. I so wanted to show them the finger, or do an up-yours but with Convent girls like Liu around, you have to refrain.
Thankfully I refrained. But we randomly (or rather, I) waved at passing cars which honked back and waved.
How friendly.

The industrial area known as Changi North. We dropped by Fa's place to do some refilling of the bottle. Silly me not to take any shots of CV, it would be beautiful. We were rather busy gawking around like a tourist. I especially looked like one, with the Powershot slung across.

Dropped by the market for much-needed refueling, me and my much-loved Sugarcane, she and iced ginger tea.

Dr Liu as usual, always enjoying her food, happily staring away. So cute!

Changi ferry terminal.

Changi beach! Nobody could imagine the racket I made when I was there. Me and beaches = best friends. I really pity Dr Liu due to the embarrassment I caused. Oh, any hot bod (male or female) I would whisper not-so-surreptiously to her "LOOK INFRONT OHMYGOD HOT".

This is worth more than any ride around the area.
This stretch of beach make us feel as if we're... in some drama series. It's simply beautiful, with such old trees all over, very white sand, and no litter. Breathtaking.

We entered the coastal stretch, 8km in all.

And the long road awaits...

This is the stretch where planes took off. The craziest stretch that got us laughing and crying. In vain, I tried to take a shot of a plane taking off with Dr's directions. The many times we fail and felt cheated of our time. Ha!

Sri Lankan Air!

Followed the long emotionally tiresome road and into...

Tanah Merah. This road is just magnificent, so secluded, so quiet. Beautiful!

And another 7-8 km ahead of us... Endurance, perseverance, and a jolly lot of reminiscence with Dr Liu.

Into East Coast Park.

This truly felt like home to me.

And so we ended our journey here. 4 hours of sudden stops for photo-taking, of singing, exasperation and embarrassment (mainly on her part), of joyful laughter, of cursing planes and randomly shouting random facts (or lies...).
SO awesome.

For fun.

As indicated, Dr Liu's thighs are red while her shins are... pale. Her fingers suffered the same too. Half red half white.

AIYOH.

EXPEDITION PCN

2009-01-29T19:10:00.002+08:00

Today, I, Ili Nadirah Jamalludin and Liu Zhongwei April, have cycled from

- Tampines' Sunplaza Park to Pasir Ris
- Pasir Ris to Loyang Avenue
- Loyang to Changi Village.
- Changi V to Coastal
- Coastal to East Coast

And then gorge ourselves (or at least I did) at Parkway.

WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Was very very satisfied and so very accomplished after we ended. I was making quite an embarrassment out of myself to her much-drama horror. BUT IT'S GOOD.

ZHONG NEXT TIME WE WILL START FROM BEDOK TOWN PARK ALL THE WAY.

Hmm that would probably clock in about 30km. Details later. Now time for dinner with the DF people hurrah.

Eventful;

2009-01-28T22:21:00.002+08:00

To say the days of late were uneventful, I must be lying. Over the span of 5 days (or so...) I had met with my most loved and wonderful friends, I feel so blessed!

Sunday, after Sunday class, headed to Ily's place for Takoyaki session. The word marvelous would do it injustice. With Naz and Qai along there too. Naz did the female things like cutting etc etc etc Qai and Ily did the cooking and I, I did the cleaning.
I DID SOMETHING OKAY.
There was so many camwhoring going on I was surprised we weren't detained for taking THAT much pictures, it felt so sinful posing like there's no tomorrow, and snap snap snapping our life away. Oh it rained, glorious beautiful rain, and after that sweet rain moment a text from the rain woman came in. HAHA so fitting.
Sunday's conversation of the day: Naz, GPS, and sex.
"Turn left. Enterrrr"

Monday was a day of teaching. In the morning at Fat's, with his abominable sister Afifa pouncing on me begging to do my eyes.
OVER MY DEAD BODY PLEASE.
Tired after that, I went to meet Fana Banana my love at Simei, before heading over to Airport for late lunch. I killed, totally killed the frosted chocolate malt sundae. Thinking of it now, I am craving for it. Banana was so much love and all that talk... I'll change baby, give me time.

Oh I had to rushed to AMK and, for cheapskate's sake, took a cab from Tanah Merah. AND THEN this annoying butch was just standing there so I didn't know if she was waiting for the cab. Skank, she just stood in the middle of the line so I assumed she was, when she actually wasn't. I didn't know until this awesomely sexy woman asked if we were waiting for the cab and I said I was, and the butch said oh no, sorry. Meh.
Inched nearer to the front of the non-existent queue.
And of course, being a not-so-pure bisexual I stole surreptious glances at this hot hot sizzling woman with wow the sexiest body I have ever seen on two legs, live in front of me. So I saw a familiar tattoo on her thighs (now come on, please don't give me despairing looks I am only human) and no wonder she's so hot and familiar I've seen her before in Stansfield, in my own freaking school and ogled at before. So that's Putri, and she kindly waved me down a cab and spoke to me in that very very delicious accent.

I really died.
I know, I have no shame.

Another incident when I got off the cab. A typical couple with a child on tow approached the cab asking me to hold it since they wanted to board. Sorry, did I mention typical mat-minah couple with tattoos all around and could pass off as... 23? So the man/boy (I don't know, didn't see packages to know which is he) begged me for money to take the cab since he lost his wallet.
Seriously, from the bottom of my dirty heart, if I have money, I'd give him all since he was with a kid but typically I was cashless, and I wanted to cry when I said I didn't while he gave me a filthy I-THINK-YOU'RE-FUCKING-STINGY look. COME ON, I really don't have and I even opened my wallet to show him. Well, I peered from Vincent's apartment and thankfully they're boarding the taxi.
I AM REALLY SORRY.

Oh, Earlier on a man (malay of course -.-) beelined and asked for money for transport. And shamelessly asked for 5$. Fuck even I know it's for ciggarettes or weed or some nonsense so I gave him just 2 one dollar coins.
What's with them and begging? I don't mind the cab incident but I hate shameless begging, when you don't even try earning it. Even those blind people (Chinese obviously) are innovative enough to SELL or PLAY something to earn it.
Sheesh.

So taught the V-boy and headed home. Nice way home with a nice dusty sunset. Thankfully the night had been uneventful. I think after such a day I need some... inaction in life.

Tuesday was good. I finally met with Syir SHAZ (screams) Farahyn Mym Bana Haz, Raiyan, Yan, Isk, Fai, etc etc. And Abg Idrus was there from nearly a year at Tarim. Regaled us with stories of swimming with dolphins, barren houses. It was so good seeing all of them. Shaz me Syir Farahyn took turns on tandem bicycle. Was my first! I love doing the cycling at the back while the front person just steered ((: And RUSHED like fuck to airport for Ham's 21st birthday lunch. It was so cool! I love Gopala, I've half a mind to go to the Breek's website and write a letter of recommendation for him. Thanks to him, things turned out great. ((: Naz saw an author she was reading on the week before. So weird. Haha!
Was at Watson's stocking up on essentials when Teo called for dinner. I was so tempted to say yes but I was compelled to be home early. I guess it's that I-want-to-be-a-good-daughter syndrome.

(:

So today I went over Pei En's to do some teaching in the morning. I quite pity her with the sounds I make all the time, due to I don't know, tiredness? Had KFC with her before I met elf. ELF I MISS YOU SO YOU KNOW. And to repay me for missing her, she gave me a Patrick plushie to hang on my bag.
If that's not embarrassment, I don't know what is. But thank you... (:
And she sent me over to the bridge to block 187b (not because she's nice but for other reasons... -.-). Since Andrea text me yesterday about "missing my presence" (HAHA) we guessed it's time for movies. Ho hum walked under the hot hot sun (with her and that embarrassing pink umbrella with Disney princesses yet again) to get bubble tea, only to be disappointed. So trudged back over to her place - which was less of a pig sty since she cleaned before I came HA -, settled for I Am Sam. Which was beyond touching. BEYOND. Please watch the show, it even made me (aka stone-hearted) teared a bit. Was great performance by Sean Penn.
Oh did I tell you her father is such a warm person I wanted to hug him but we settled for a handshake, anyhow.
Toes wriggling beneath a duvet on a single wine bed (like a mouthful), watched Harold And Kumar next. It was quite a laugh. Crude humour. And then headed out for dinner - declining invitation out to dinner with her parents (who gave me hongbao -.-) - with all the perpetual argument about NO YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THIS AND THAT, food food and redundant broccollis. Walked to Compasspoint for my bus and her burger, and then I'm back home, happy with my day.

I brought home, from her extensive movie collection, The Sisterhood Of Travelling Pants, What's Eating Gilbert Grape? , Big Daddy, She's The Man, Cinderella Story, and Chasing Liberty. More than enough for the rest of my week man.

Tomorrow would be over at Pei En's in the morning before meeting Doctor Liu for another bout of cycling. So awesome, I love this week, meeting up with the persons that matter (: So happening (in a small way), is my life.

Feeling pretty brainless...

2009-01-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

Nowadays are brainless days. Days never good when night came, me walking mindlessly in circles with awfully sad songs didn't work.
Neither did the blisters that formed. I tried tiring myself out but apparently I didn't try hard enough.

I watched Inkheart on Thursday. Kumar kept looking as if he felt sorry for me. Why, I don't know. We surreptiously checked movie timings, and after Econometrics we rushed -practically ran - to Suntec's Eng Wah to catch the 1310 show. Which we did, when class ended at 1300hours. Talk about a speedy walk. Inkheart's a rather interesting watch, I really enjoyed it.
Got to satisfy my Long John's cravings and we rushed back to school, thankfully on time. Tardiness wouldn't be good. Anyway wasn't it draining to rush to and fro? I was repaid with a call from Afifa wailing about her bad luck of 2009; spoilt handphone, cracked laptop, faulty camera, wallet stolen with 300$ and IC in it, missing her FTT. I just stared enviously at Andrea sleeping beside me -.- Glenda bought nice curly fries. I miss curly fries.
Correction; I miss curly fries FROM A&Ws. I find that there's a difference? Or maybe just my tongue gone faulty.

I slept in on Friday, cancelled tuition with Fat so I could watch my Aussie Open, got my late lunch (and milo dinosaur please, complete with sinful whipped cream and more sinful chocolate and strawberry sauce) and stoned at the nearby park, looking at the dusty sun. With music.

Saturday teaching, and sleeping. I tell you, I'm feeling pretty brainless nowadays, listening to Britney, Enrique, Kylie, Justin, Beyonce's brand of dance music. Just filling up little pockets of emptiness in me that yearns to be more cheered up and optimistic. Not that I am not, I don't know. Pei En fed me lunch, I am grateful, thank you... (:
Dinner with the parentals and now back at home downloading music (OH HOW ILLEGAL), solitaring and of course updating the blog.

Tomorrow is takoyaki day with Yanachan and Naz and maybe Nadz as well?
Ah truly need to feel alive.
And less brainless of course.

It's Britney bitch.

2009-01-21T21:39:00.002+08:00

I went macaron hunting due to this unfathomable craving. But it was worth it. I shared it with my sexyback Yana chan, met her for dinner. She's such an embarrassment in public but it was great fun. Japanese food so pwns your western baby.

Today and yesterday felt joyful, I don't know how to describe it, but it has been good. Had dinner with Loretta (!!) and Rachel Wong (!!!). So love my time with them, such funny talks. I don't think they can take my dramatic talks.

"OMG RACHEL CAN YOU FEEL ME DEFLATING"
"No but I can see you're deflating."

Don't know why that remark seemed hilarious to my being. Ha! I always give her an extra-strong dose of hug. RACHEL WONG SHU LI MEET UP AGAIN BEFORE YOU FLY AWAY. ):

As crazy as it sounds I am addicted to a Birtney song. Ooh Ooh Baby. Ladies and gents, please youtube it.

I watched the presidential inauguration and as it always is President Barack Obama never failed in making me feel awestruck with his charisma and articulation.
He is the coolest president I have seen.
"This is what you call Old School."

Mm macaron love.

Waking up to.

2009-01-20T11:40:00.003+08:00

And I woke up to a mother's kiss, so fleeting, so light, so loving. With the words "I love you" hung over me like the mist, the cooling mist that kept me snugged.

Mmm looks to be a good day. Thanks Mom (:

Over Time.

2009-01-17T17:41:00.003+08:00

I don't know to describe the week as eventful or not. It has been good, a peculiar sense of detachment of mindbody and heart.

Knowing that someone's relative was shot in the head somehow unnerved me, the sudden end of someone's existence that mattered to you. It is, as compared to death due to sickness and whatnots, verily unexpected and the getting used to the absence of someone so dear to you is by no means painful.
Must be tough on her man.

I had a horrible sprain on my right ankle. And moral of the story is you don't try to stop a Bishan Arsenal girl like Fara when she is on the warpath. The ankle would be called obese if it was human. And the fear of a torn ligament haunt me because I could not walk, and haunt me further when the next morning I awoke and there's the buzzing in my ears telling me I'm about to faint. Which thankfully was prevented. Such a replay of 2006 please. I dialled the only number I know for these sort of cases and my favourite butch (sorry Rohenie if you're insulted by this term!) was so nice to come over to my residence, giving me a terribly painful but worth it massage and reduced the swelling. Just like a doctor ((: And keeping me company for a while even when she had a paper to sit for the next day.
ROHENIE I AM VERILY GRATEFUL OKAY.
THANK YOU FOR ENTERTAINING MY DRAMA AND WHININGS OVER THE FEW DAYS.

Haha it was painful to go to school, cabbed down with Aisha on tow. I was craving for nice noodle and since the other classmates decided to go Cathay (and I am not keen to walk that far) I called down the most reliable man Md Hamzah Zainal who walked with me, albeit so slowly to Bugis to satisfy my nonsensical pregnancy cravings. Sorry that your arm was taken advantage of. Thank you!

Thursday night, as usual, was long into Friday morning, delightful little talks; deep and meaningful. I am growing to appreciate such late night ramblings that has been going on for sometime.

I wasted my Friday morning sleeping and my Friday afternoon lazing around on bed until it is time to teach Fathul. I don't know to be glad or just be in despair that he is exactly like the sister.
SIGH. But the night sky was so beautiful over at their residence. Unhindered view. Gosh I'd kill to get such a great place to stay.

Naz and I decided for a class gathering at East Coast Park in the form of a picnic! I had a dollop of fun calling up classmates, under the ruse of a representative from EmitAsia calling if they would want to subscribe to Reader's Digest, or that they haven't paid some unknown credit card that was under their name. To my utmost delight they all fall for it, even Ms Huda. But I am excited to see all of them. Just hope plans solidify.

Friday night ended early into Saturday morning. I'm starting to like weekends too. I use to dread it but now it was made to be so much better. With Matin calling at 3 asking if I am fine and doing okay, that if there is anything do text him because he saw me online at 3 in the mornings lately and, knowing I am an early sleeper, got concern. AIYOH Matin can really be nice when he chose to be and we even ended off with civility and warmth. I didn't even cursed him throughout the conversation which is a first.
He's being too nice I'll ask him if something is up. Ha.
And Dela was being happy since mummy John's buggered back to England and I like the light banterings of surface things that made life more kind.
With Andrea always keeping me company until I fall sleep (:

It was a good start to a Saturday, comparing breakfast things and WOOSH the wind baby.
I decided to be annoying to my mother and text her

"Ibu if you're going out with Ayah later can you PLEEEEEASSE buy me my Post cereals it's finished already! It is detrimental to my existence I'll DIE without it!"

HAHA she showed to the father and she told me that just because I am of high education doesn't mean I can use big words on them! So cute. Went to Adam Road to eat the highly revered soto. Which didn't, never had and never will, disappoint. And to Sheng Siong to get my POST CEREALS (Blueberry Morning's still sold out -.-), baking things (the mother is baking me my favourite cake how I love) and my batik pants and boxers. There's an ultimately fat grey-brown cat that looked like she can't run even if her life depends on it.

Mm my relationship with the parentals are getting better and I am really glad because it makes me more happy and life bearable, that at least we know we're there for the other. Even my brother is being civil to me.

"What do you call someone who you can thoroughly coonect to?"
"Mm either a very special friend or your soulmate."

Which are you?

Of No Sense.

2009-01-11T13:09:00.002+08:00

Hurr there's so much lack of sleep and food I'm amazed I'm still breathing.

My days were fairly mundane.

I died in school on Thursday, going off without breakfast (I was too late for breakfast) to watch Bedtime Stories. It's a good watch, but I feel the kind of movie you should only watch once. Andrea got a queasy tummy after the coffee tea thing. I don't know her fascination for it, and I don't think I'll ever try it after seeing her suffer. I didn't know a bookshop exist at the basement of Cathay and so we were giggling our life away looking through this interesting book Chinglish. It's about the notorious English-translated signs across China.

I hope someone buys that book!

I ate only 2 chicken paus. Anyway didn't know the school installed two pool tables and a dart board. Chinh and I played a game (which I surprisingly won haha). It cost a dollar to play a game, if only they charge it by hour! It'll be awesomely cheap. I was struggling, so struggling to keep awake throughout the night, with intermittent texts exchanged even though we're a seat away, and writing alphabets the other way around.

Aisha shifted to Bedok North St 3 AND THAT'S JUST BEHIND MY HOUSE. Haha I have brains so nearby if I'm unsure of my studies I can always drop by :D She was kind enough to accompany me for supper (wanton noodle, anyway is wanton spelled that way? looked so wrong...) and we went home together. Can't believe I have a classmate who stays SO near.

I thought sleep would hit me the night but it didn't, and she kept me company until 4.

People, you got to see my eyebags to believe it.

Friday morning lovin' head thumping eyes hurting and oh I have to get out of house because I'll be hindering my aunt and her cleaning. Off I went to Punggol Park for nice wind, nice lying and nice company. Though it gets mighty nippy nowadays. Kicking stones squinting at carrots and walking to Hougang Mall in such wretched weather. Friday night was a total knock out. Slept like a log...
Only to wake early to do some teaching. And for some guitar fun. Met Fifa for food at CV, playing the guitar at bus stops with annoying passengers staring. All to keep me away from paroxysm of moodiness. The night was long, we lasted until 2 before giving in to sleep.

ILYANA STOP YOUR DONUTS AND VJ DRAWINGS ON MY BOOK.

I know some might roll their eyes at me but the more I got to know her, I think I'm seeing her more as a special friend than anything else. (: Precious friendship baby.

Breaking hearts;

2009-01-08T11:27:00.002+08:00

Roger And Hemmerstein's Cinderella was a delight to watch, and I absorbed myself into such fairytale that was idealistic in all aspect; Handsome prince with beautiful hardworking girl, fall in love and live happily ever after.
I have still yet to believe in ever afters.

So after the play the inevitable happened, and in the process of breaking his heart, I broke my own. I crumbled seeing his dejected countenance (very drama I know, I could be a drama club president with all the going ons in my life) and I called the only number that was on my mind and I'm sure I sounded terrible over the phone.

I do wonder how he is coping. Gosh that'll make me cry.

I am glad I didn't spend the night without company, I would've gone mental. -.- My brother... he knew something was wrong so he occasionally peeked through the door and surprised me with a cup of tea and asked me to take care. For someone who couldn't even wash his own dishes this is a huge leap of... oh I can't find the words for it right now.
(At this moment there's overwhelming love for my brother lol)

Couldn't sleep and Andrea kept me company over the phone for almost 5 hours, longer if my father's alarm clock didn't go off. Right now my eyes totally cannot make it to the public and society hence here I am typing gibberish to keep me distracted and to burn time before I'm due to watch Bedtime Stories at 1320hours. Eyes oh eyes.
All the talk about Aurora Borealis, dark abyss of the ocean and McVitiesorCereals, bed bugs and... deep probing conversations (HTHTs lol) kept me away from thinking of the pain I caused.
Thank you.

I slept so late and up by 630am, and between then and 10 I was drifting between sleep and wake. Few texts here and there. She texted saying she'll be late for Kumar's, and suggested that I souldn't bother getting out of bed. THAT was the best advice I had in... few days.
I don't know how she can go to Kumar's class with such little hours of sleep. Guilt does hit you at the most peculiar moments.

Getting all that seriousness aside, my devil's spawn Afifah Ariffin teaches at Greenview Secondary School, where the majority of the upper secondary boys kept making passes at her.
I met Hamzah for lunch on Tuesday and how I love to eat wanton noodle and honeydew sago (: Thanks for coming all the way just to eat and then heading off home.
I met Chewy Dewi for badminton and boy am aching all over.
And eat wanton noodle again.
Hmm there's probably a match against the Siglap girls again next week and I hope we'll do so much better. Coach killed us for training just the other time.

Ok move on. I really hope... you're fine, truly fine.
But I don't think that'll happen in the next few weeks?
):

Grandparent's birthdaaaayy.

2009-01-05T22:46:00.004+08:00

To keep my mind off things.

Saturday; I went over to Fatin's house for a baking session and of course a swim. It was very cold, despite the mild sun. Water.... suck. Haha.

I went teaching on Sunday over at Vincent's. I missed cards.

Gosh I am PMSing and I have the urge to bite whoever's head off now. Why must it be that time of the month. And when it's all cold and windy and the rain just threatening to pour and all alone at home and just... suck. I shouldn't have walked home from my grandparent's, the wind is killing me.

Anyway to continue on...

School starts today and all the technical words (eg, Baumol Tobin's Square Root formula Permanent Growth for Solow... bleargh) just flew above our heads. It was fun bothering Kat and Dewi (especially Dewi) I miss them so. Haha Dewi believed when I told her classes actually starts the week after this. And oh, that Ubin is an hour away from Singapore. HA.
Tisya and Nur met me in school and we proceeded to get the cake and food for grandparents. Yesterday was my grandmother's and tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday. You should see their faces when the three of us (she wasn't expecting any to turn up) just popped by with a cake and lighted candles singing Happy Birthday. Their faces when they actually blew candles off a cake.
I love them really.

No, seriously. If you don't mean whatever you say, you shouldn't say it.

A Very Pleasant Friday (:

2009-01-03T09:50:00.003+08:00

I spent New Year's at home, pleasantly at home feeling wee bit lonely when the sailors sent their sparks high up in the sky to signify the start of 2009. Reflections, I'll do it when I'm in the right frame of mind, or I'll not do it here at all.

On the first day of the year when I woke, I was greeted first thing in the morning by a lovely soul (: And went to my uncle's for a gathering. What's with all the rowdiness, gave me quite a headache. Am glad Ilyana Qai Fatin was there to make it a bit more bearable. Of course with little texts here and there made me feel much better. It was getting wee bit noisy for my aching head I went off to meet the males for late lunch at Downtown and spend the good afternoon with company. Ham's nose was terrible, YOU SHOULD STOP CLEANING BABY.

I was welcomed by a cold empty home at 7.30pm, decided on a movie (I watched Twilight online, I think I should try the book because it seemed to be quite good) and Andrea thankfully kept me company until I fell asleep.

That was quite a good firstdayof2009.

Yesterday was teaching at 11 in the morning (the mother of the student gave me ice-cream! Hahah I love). I headed off to town with Andrea and it was quite an affair with sneaker balls and noisy bags and butt-itches and I was thoroughly educated on movies. She was stunned and at a disbelief when she realised I haven't been watching good movies, and proceeded to suggest a movie marathon over at her place someday soon. -.- I'm not that bad with movies right?? Carrefour was fun and she finally showed me the card shop she mentioned the other time. The one with very sweet soulmate cards and such. I felt horribly cheesy when I went in haha! Bras Basah to find some books and late lunch for her, she looked about to faint without food lol what a sight. And to the library! It was (please don't scream everyone) my first time visiting the reading section usually I just sat around the empty areas to zone out or play the guitar. So walked through aisles and aisles of books (didn't know there were alot of them seriously) I felt so excited in that library there's so much to read but sadly I cannot borrow. Andrea whipped out her spectacles so she can finally see ha.
I think I need to return my overdue books.
Went to Ah Chew for my honeydew sago, I missed that. Cursed at cars that narrowly missed us. I think I have a phobia of cars that came so close, especially those MPVs.

I went to the mosque at night and back home so tired out! I think I have no stamina when it comes to walking about the city area. Thankfully the crowd wasn't out yet when we were there. Cannot stand it, claustrophobic!

Mm my internet connection when I use my desktop was quite horrible, hard to have proper conversations online. But I moved on to my iPod touch (where I can thankfully use eBuddy or ILoveIM). I think I want to switch to wireless on my desktop! Hamzah must HELP.
I rarely cared being online actually, but because we need to save on handphone bills, resorting to msn is a good move. Throwing chocolate chip cookies out the window, showering at unearthly hours, being tormented. And being called devil's spawn. Goodness. But again it's good to sleep with you being the last person I had contact with ((:

OH. CHANGE OF EMAIL ADD. Syahril was being a doll, setting up my account for me without my knowledge (: Please do the neccessary changes; ili_ann@live.com

2009 promises to be a good year, although I'll miss 2008 dreadfully.

The Ubin Expedition

2008-12-31T21:54:00.002+08:00

I left house at 0930 hours today heading off to Changi ferry terminal. Happily smiling my way at the sweet weather that I am blessed with. So sunny! :D

All of us were late but I happened to be later, meh. Kyun Sha and Indah were already there and from how they were dressed, I'm the only one who dressed for occasion. So bumboated to Ubin (: Damn excited please, I looked the kid that peered out the boat as it sped through.

Bicycles were rented and we set to move by 1130hours. I was sorry for them because they were not prepared for the battering I planned for them. Did some pretty sloppy research on trails at 1am but heyyy I am QUITE familiar with Ubin after wheel torture 101 some months back.

SO up the hill, down the hill, a little treasure up a flowery area where NO ONE bothers and gawk. View of the quarry was beyond amazing with all that plants and sun! Down to the dirt tracks (finally baby) kept turning back, trying so hard to not get lost - inject some pantings from Kyun - a whole family of wild boars getting chased by a dog. Ridiculous questions flew by "ILI ARE THERE COWS/TIGERS/SHEEP/LAMBS/MONKEYS HERE?!" which I affirmed it all. Haha! Intermittent stops to look at a certain things (more of the recover-from-slope-climbing stops actually). STAIR-CLIMBING OMG. That was pure torture but the view made up for the tiredness. Indah was perservering ((: Boardwalks and more uphill craziness. Horseshoe crabs and ugly mudskippers! Tombstones and wells. An uncle called Osha a boy. CLASSIC.

After all of 3.5 hours of cycling, we went back to civilisation to have late lunch. I love conversations with them, they who weren't from co-ed, really spice things up haha!

Regardless of sore throat, when Syahril the princess wants to talk to you, he WILL talk to you. Almost an hour on the phone with him telling me Pocahontas is skanky, and we were giggling away, googling Pocahontas (a shemale version) and reading excerpts off the net. Dela called from the airport asking me to go and meet up but I skipped. Haha Par sounds really nice ;p and she didn't, much to my amazement. Adel is such love at times like these.

I watched Pocahontas. Many sweet memories!

My last day of 2008 was very well spent (: I bask in their company and it brought such a loving glow to me.

OHMYGOD CYCLE.

2008-12-30T19:34:00.002+08:00

Talk about a day well spent. And I skipped soccer tonight ohmyGod that's really a first it's all Dr Liu's fault!

Anyway I finally watched Stardust with Cj over at my place. Talking about Cj, that ass came by my place all red-faced and totally reeking of alcohol. She said only a cup of wine. I don't believe you! But Stardust made up for it and it left me all soppy and sweeeeeet I text her when it finished (which was at... 3am) and am so glad to get a sweet reply instantly HAHA.

So Sunday I went soccer in the morning with the NUS kids, then ended up cycling to Tanah Merah from Bedok Reservoir, then back home. Was awesome. I skipped going to the mosque and my dad was very annoyed when he got to know of it when he got back. Not the soccer part, if he knows soccer part I'm beyond dead.

Sheesh, parentals.

Yesterday was teaching and a whole lot of sleep, with Farah calling me while I'm in the midst
of it, just to ask for a cousin's name -.- Which she forgotten.

Today I was at AMK Hub by 9.30am to have breakfast with Andrea and the aunty at the shop was giving us horribly baleful looks because we couldn't make up our minds. And punished us by serving us very late. Meh. There's quite a lot to see at AMK Hub; walking and talking, good way to while the time. (: Good time spent!

Headed to Bishan to take a bus to Zhong's then to Changi. Got slightly lost and we cycled from Changi Village to East Coast. So awesome know! We passed the whole stretch of the airport, stopping many times to swoon and gape at the planes that were taking off. That was beyond amazing can. Our butts were aching like crazy and we were quite lost searching for the bicycle rental shop to return the bicycles. It is a cool concept for bicycle renting by the way; you can rent bicycles from any of the 4 shops and return it to any other of their outlets, so we cycled from Changi and dumped the bicycles at East Coast. Ha. Went Parkway for early dinner and boy can we eat. I think I killed Zhong with the many many stupid things I did like dancing and skipping and marching.

Tomorrow promises to be a good day out with Osha Kyun and Indah, maybe Yu as well!

Lately been feeling quite guilty since I lied to my parents a lot, especially for the cycling part. I think I should start staying home more oft and be the obedient daughter they have hoped to find in me...

Picking Up Your Pieces...

2008-12-27T12:03:00.002+08:00

So my parents decided to go Malaysia on Thursday and I opted to stay back in Singapore. Obviously 4 days of parent-freedom is a stronger appeal than shopping&eating (which was the biggest incentive). Shopping&eating would result in a gain of weight which is a high factor towards depression.
HA. SO bullshit.

So Ham dropped by for dinner after we roamed the street in search of cats. Cats are the CUTEST creatures on earth, did I mention that before? I got screamed at for not taking a picture of two cats kissing each other. I was too stunned! And stupid to not fill my camera with batteries. We were just getting comfortable watching Transformers when the other Male called and asked (more like told us) to go to Liat Tower, him on his way in a cab.
By the way Hamzah, your act of decency DID chalk up on brownie points!

SO Liat Tower was the way to go... for Zara Sale. I am still at a disbelief that he dragged us there to shop. And he came out disappointed, talking that rubbish about no more meaning to life, shopping was too much competition etc etc etc. -.-
I was lucky to have brought my camera along (this time with batteries). I had fun being that camera-totting tourist I've always despised, taking shots of every scenery. (: Went home after and I was craving for a movie and company. So at 2350 hours I asked if CJ wanted to come and watch a movie. Ended up she slept over. She snores you know.
I slept with a girl who snores. Gosh.
Anyway The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen was a good watch. I love the character Dorian Grey. I love the actor who act Dorian Grey because he is so drop dead sexy in waistcoat and all.

Yesterday I dragged myself to Clementi to play badminton with Dewi. It was worth it! Plus the wanton mee nearby was God-mode. But seriously, I got my fix of running and swatting shuttlecocks. HA.

I took 14 from Clementi which took no less than 10 years to reach Bedok Road. But it was really a good time spent sitting in that double deck looking out at the world. It passed by Orchard and to see thousands of people milling around, my heart was glad that I am inside a nice cold bus, listening to Anberlin over and over and over again and feeling it.
And Yats was late -.- Ate at Simpang and it's good. We had a lot to talk about, being bothered by a very gatal and fugly waiter, screaming at Dils when we noticed her, exchanged greetings with Jocelyn. It was like a mini-TK gathering. I love hugging Yats!

Was thinking of supper but thank God it didn't follow through. And no many how many practice I had dealing with crying females (I think Naz and Damsel made up for most of the experience), I'm still always affected by them. Sheesh.
But I'm glad that I was there to (in her words) pick up her pieces. That I was useful in some way.

Today I was due to teach but I felt a sorethroat coming and cancelled. Only having one session with MJ at 2. Meeting an aunt to get free lunch (: Cancelled on Qing and Mat. I don't mind Qing but somehow the thought of meeting Matin quite put me off. I'm not ready for acid at the moment haha! And Ivy also.

I guess I'll cycle around East Coast later. I have the need to get out of house without company except the wind.

Hope the night's been kind to you.

Think of me, do.

2008-12-24T11:38:00.002+08:00

It's just mid-week and I don't know if it was just plain bad luck or karma or whatev word you can concoct out of misfortune. On Sunday I went out teaching at AMK (free murukus, don't you just love Vincent's mum?) and The Man was waiting at the void deck. So we went out to eat and as desperate I was to find the words to... end it all, I couldn't.
Before any of you scream and ask WHY it's was for his sake, it was never fair on him.

And he asked questions I longed for, yet I couldn't garner a proper response, hence blowing my chance away. And though I smiled, I was on the verge of tears already, yet I thank God you were there, to listen and care, even until I was safely home.

That truly suck I know I can't put it off already. And yes, I am very very sure he isn't the one, anymore.

As exhausted as I was, I awoke at 3. Usually a stomachache ensued but that night I didn't have any. Quite puzzling. Until I checked my phone for any text messages, I guess I knew why I was awake. Alarms, I have told her, are detrimental especially when I could not garner any response, which kept me awake most of the night/morning until you text. That's probably one of the longest 5 hours of my life (besides the wait for O/A level results! That felt like eternity). Calling at 745am (I never had someone calling me that early) and ended albeit reluctantly since I had to teach the Devil's Spawn's brother, Fathul. Somehow during the almost-3-hours worth of talktime there was something unspoken, and I have yet put a finger to it, or maybe I did but I chose to be that ignorant child. You're aware of it, that much is apparent.

Anyway teaching teaching. Afifa is teaching my ex-student's brother. The horror! After the last session, went to Parkway to meet Naz and Syahril. Haven't seen Naz for sometime (: And although you're pockmarked with pimples, I'll still love you HAHA. It'll disappear! I ate at banquet, my favourite noodles of course while he screamed playing VT3.

A morning's greeting, a noon's ranting of the sun and an afternoon of... I don't know of any word that could coin such a conversation. I met Nadz for lunch at Bagus (she was giving that I-miss-Singapore-food look). Was crazy screaming in the car and collapsing into laughter in the midst of parking. Haven't seen her for all of 5 months and Aussie didn't change her much, which was good! I was tad too early for training, it starts at 1900 and I was at Farrer Park station at 1730. So I sat at the stairs looking like a homeless with her iPod and the occasional smile when thoughtful text messages came through her phone. I was accompanied by a cat which shot off like lightning up a tree when a huge dog was at sight. Hilarious! She stayed there mewing her ass off.

Soccer, I sprained my right ankle, but I think it's slight sprain. Plus I got hit on my left knee.
Which hurt balls!
Way back home it was cold and then it started drizzling every so slightly (:

I felt a sore throat running after me. Decided to knock off early and lo behold I woke at 3 again, so tempted to take a scrub to scratch my throat. Wandering around the house in search of peppermint cure without waking anyone. Mid-morning texts sure gives you a warm glow ((: Cough syrup does make you fall back to sleep.
And to wake to yet another dose of... (:

My relatives are coming over today it's going to be havoc. My mum's cooking up a storm in the kitchen and here I am lazing in the room, so unmovable. Sloth I know! My father's siblings and families would be due in the evening, oh the joys of a packed house. Just when I decided to enjoy quiet cold day alone. I wished I could cycle far far away and sit in the rain listening to my iPod.

Peach walls, a very full bed you can't even lie on properly. Spilt milk and after eights. Post cereals and soggyness. Being yourself. Morose. And hearing my voice in your head.

You know, if you don't want to start anything, you should stop whatever it is that you're doing because I might get deluded,
yet again.

Wee Hours.

2008-12-21T01:12:00.003+08:00

It has been a whirlwind, as per usual. There were little peculiar things happening, most notable would be the threesome who were playing wind instruments (if it's a flute or clarinet or oboe it would be fine but it's a blaring french horn) at 9pm at the Seletar Dam. Such oddity!

Last week I entertained 4 most noisy 13 year olds (but adorable nonetheless) over the weekend. Renting horror movies and bwling and bbq for them. Don't you think I'm nice spoiling them all! Haha movies that were scary I took it as an excuse to begin a nice warm conversation that lasted through the night ((: Hamzah finally settled my brother's computer and we shopped for it (rather he shopped for it, while I sit at one corner enjoying blissful music). There's the outing to the beach and a rather nice lying-on-the-crumpler-on-the-green-green-grass time (: And Jalan Kayu for dinner plus Seletar dam. That was beyond good.

And like you said, ten hours! Two more hours to make a good twelve ha. Took my brother's computer from Hamzah's residence and the family plus Hamzah in tow went out for dinner since it's the Dad's birthday. I finally met Qingrui after he POPed, for pool and just time together. He annoyed me with all that talk about karma and "Ili you did something bad that's why you're doing horrible in pool". Dinner out with Pei En (:

Ham and Syahril came over on Friday to while time away. Them being hungry and I rummaging the refrigerator for food. They were great company (:

And then it happened, I don't know how a small matter could escalate to one of biblical proportions. It was nothing short of a fucked up night. But it was made better, and we lasted until 4 am. It was good to fall asleep with your words warm, and to wake up to your thoughtfulness. Ha (:

Was supposed to be out teaching but Vincent has got last minute shopping to complete. Was suppose to be at Simpang, but the three of us ended up at Airpork Macs eating and talking. I love conversations with them, it could be deep, it could be superficial, all I know it's comfortable. Delightful! Had that little nonsense thing whilst waiting for Naz to get out of the Belts. Syahril was doing his glasses and plastics and Hamzah and I hid behind him, albeit Russian Dolls. Syahril wanted to push me into a wall. Hung around until 9.30pm at Starbucks doing general knowledge, which I truly suck at. I think I need to start reading already.

Dzul's finally back from Aussie. Still looking good and all! Had a 18-person dinner at Mas Ayu and Kak Shasha paid for it all (perks of working cousins).

Hope the zoo had been good.

Lying here;

2008-12-17T11:02:00.002+08:00

I wish, you know, I wish I could lay there with you forever amidst the green and the sound of waves crashing hearts to pieces;
Wish to feel your head again on mine, melodies that filled the air only we can hear.
Comfort.
Where are we, where are we going? Nowhere for me, not anywhere for you. Weather, it binds us. Love that you think of me rain or shine,
I'll wish the tears away. So much spoken between, so much more to be said. So much more to be understood, appreciated, and more. Delving into the shy yet playful mind, saw the dark room you used to sit in, or maybe you still do. You spoke through my mind, and I see confusion in such clarity. So much felt when you... so much when we sang. And so much more when we were out chasing ideals that never were, never there. Yet you... kept me warm.
I wish time would stop, just a moment, for a moment. Under an umbrella, for a moment, in silence. Under a grey umbrella. Can we be selfish for once, and exclude anything outside the sphere? Can I climb your wall, and take the little child that has been cowering for so long?
Thoughts and what ifs goes further, further, and further,
only in my mind dear. Never anywhere in reality.
It's a sad yet happy thought, however you look at that glass filled.
Glad I could be...

What are you, what are you to me that it bothers me so much?

No matter, it's cloudy now, and I think of you when it's cloudy,
as you do me I'm very sure(:

The Random Survey.

2008-12-12T21:40:00.002+08:00

I got this off Nur's blog.
YOU SHOULD SEE BOTH MY 13YEAR OLD'S BLOG. IT'S SCARING ME.

So anyway, I haven't partake in such things for a long time and the boredom is biting like a piranha. Might as well.

1. Put your music player on shuffle (done that).
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.

As with all examinations, tests, and brainless questionnaires, no cheating!

---------------------------------

How are you feeling today?
I Can't Stop Loving You - Ray Charles (I guess this isn't a bad start to the questions...)

Will you get far in life?
Battery - Metallica (I guess this means yes? With the help of a battery of course)

How do your friends see you?
Windowpane - Opeth (I think it means I'm a way out for them, whatever it means)

Will you get married?
Breathe - Greenwheel (I think I'll be having problems at the ROM that I have to breathe. See how it goes)

What is your best friend's theme song?
I've Got You Under My Skin - Michael Buble (could be apt)

What is the story of your life?
Afterlife - Dream Theater (it means that my life starts AFTER I die. God isn't that depressing?)

What was high school like?
Dame - Izmui You (chasing after dames. Fuck I hate Japanese singers now)

How can you get ahead in life?
The Funeral Portrait - Opeth (I knew that drawing would get me far...)

What's the best thing about your friends?
If - Destiny's Child (How true, they tell you ALL possible what if's, making your life either more miserable or suicidal)

What's in store for this weekend?
Wolf And Raven - Sonata Arctica (I'm going to the zoo??)

Describe your grandparents.
More Than This - Charlie Hunter feat. Norah Jones (yes finally a right answer)

How's your life going?
Twisted Logic - Coldplay (not helping)

What song will they play at your funeral?
Darling I Love You - B.T John (HAHA that's awesome)

How does the world see you?
Gimme More - Britney Spears (That I'm insatiable? Maybe true, but I should never have added this song into iTunes)

Will you have a happy life?
Creeping Death - Metallica (really, how optimistic)

Do people secretly lust over you?
Longer - Dan Fogelburg (Yes people lust longer for me than other people HAHA)

How can you make yourself happy?
Memory - Sugarcult (A very apt answer)

What should you do with your life?
Me, Myself and I - Beyonce Knowles (It's a sign that I should start being selfish ((: )

What does your mum think of you?
The Killing Hand - Dream Theater (I'm not that poisonous mum...)

What is your deep, dark secret?
Cool - Gwen Stefani (I thought this is a known secret??)

What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
Tearing Up My Heart - Nysnc (My enemy's got to be horribly cheesy)

What's your personality like?
Warning Sign - Coldplay (er??)

--------------------------------

Do you know what I derive from that questionnaire?
I should have less morose-sounding songs.

Anyway holidays are here! Three weeks of pure bliss away from weird weird symbols and unknown equations.
I still have to revise though.

Yesterday the Mothership sent me to school early at 4, when my paper started at 645pm. So to kill time (mum, I'm NOT complaining!) I went off to meet the two males, Syahril and Hamzah. I walked the way from school to PS, which took me 20 minutes. I feel so crippled. It was good catching up. I called Andrea if she's going for the Mocks and if she is maybe she could meet me at PS and walk the way together, but she wasn't. The point here was that they overheard that and (like sleek conniving con artists) persuaded me to ditch the mocks. And ended up watching Bolt. Bolt is good, I love Mittens the most (no surprises there). We had dinner at MacDonald House's LJS and went separate ways soon after.

Weichun fetched me from school and proceeded to get Andrea from her residence before heading down to ECP's lagoon to supt. Hmm foodwise, it's average. Maybe we didn't know which to buy from. Cooling night, stars, full moon, awesome breeze (:

Oh well, pros and cons to holidays. I hope I can move like a normal human being asap so I can go cycling and blading and ice-skating and just chillax with friends.

Once again, HOLIDAYS!

THE MOCKS

2008-12-10T19:15:00.002+08:00

Oh the mocks are finally here and to say I could've done it... would be a big lie.
I knew I should have put in effort into revising but apparently the mind is all set for three weeks break.
During the break WC is probably coming up with study plans (only for Micro though, I need my other subjects salvaged!). But fret not I started my engines... only a little too late.
But we should aim for the bigger examinations no?
(This is me in denial mode and making up ALL kinds of excuses for myself)

Wouldn't say my knee is totally fine, I guess the healing process takes some pain and balls to get through.
I don't have the latter though. Oh well.
It's exceptionally painful when I changed the dressing. I have this love-hate relationship with Dettol Antiseptic cream at this moment since it hurts like fuck to apply it. So to soothe it I watched comedies. That's probably the best idea I've ever had for this year.

I watched best answers to this TV show Family Feud. It's quite an old show and sadly not around anymore. It should, because it's damn hilarious. Or maybe the Americans made it hilarious, I don't know. There were torrents of bimbotic answers such as

Host: Name me a state that starts with N.
Contestant: Mexico.

Host: Name me a three-letter animal
Contestant: Alligator.

Maybe President-Elect Barack Obama SHOULD do something about the education system there.

Hmm as usual in the middle of the week I feel like I hit a wall so much contradictions it's funny to think about it.

Anyway I'm not the only soul who got hit by a car. Huzaifa got hit while on a motorbike with his friend and I heard it's quite serious. Poor boy.
Yet again, my space was violated and I am very very anal about my personal space. Some people just don't seem to know it.

I only cried once in pain and I thank God for Matin who's awake at 2 am. Haha God bless the best friend. Oh yes Nadz is back from Aussie! It's time to pwn Popeyes now.

Huda Mima and Zhong got me a comforter and bedsheets! Ohmygod talk about original. Seriously, comforter is something I need quite badly during these cold cold months (it sound like winter but thankfully it isn't).

Meh. I'm indifferent at this moment.

Punggol Park HTHTs

2008-12-06T14:54:00.002+08:00

So I went through a life-changing moment yesterday (insert dramatic oohs and drum roll).

I went cycling from Bedok to the borders of Sengkang (applause! hahaha) and for the journey back, I was quite pressed for time. So silly me cycled fast and saw that the green man wasn't exactly green (he was red, to be precise) but I decided to press on anyway. And lo behold, a Toyota Wish appeared and wham. I guess more damage was on me than the bicycle (my dad even cycled out today with it, how awesome ya). It was a bizarre experience, I remember seeing the front of the Wish as if I was flying. Haha so drama can! And the first thing I did after I got up was to apologise to the driver for denting his car. I wanted to slap myself for such stupidity, because now it hurts like fuck. Let's see, I have a wound on my knee the size of many fifty cent coins, it could buy me chicken rice. HAHA. And one on my elbow. Horrible bruising on my right shoulder and my neck felt like a lorry ran over me. And a bruise on the left temple as well.
But otherwise good.

Was rescued by the Man as usual. Whilst waiting for knight in shining armour (rather, shiny blue cab) I had another saviour over the phone to provide verbal therapy as annoying passers-by and those in their vehicles gawked. I feel like gouging their eyes out. One person was nice enough to stop his vehicle and asked if I need a lift. And an apek asked if I'm fine. Kind souls. Restored my faith in men I suppose.

So that's a life-changing moment. Looking back, I was thinking of what if's. What if there was an oncoming car that squashed me while I was sprawled on the road? What if the Wish didn't jam-braked on time? What if I landed on my head and become paralysed?
Gosh I could've died!

Today Naz set off for Myanmar. I'll miss you love! I'm sure you'll have great fun there and don't worry about the few of us here ((:

And Zhong just called to drop by. AW I FEEL SO LOVED HAHA.

Anyway my days were good lately ((: I'll try to summarise it in the most comprehensible way.

KFC breakfast tsk-ing aunty, 'ten body parts that's made of three letters' barley-tasting plain water and oh sundae pies. DSLRs peering over the shoulders. 101 on Half-Life2, back cleavages, (HAHA) third meal at LJS. Popular notebooks that makes you cringe, pikturez, bra-shopping pan-shopping cutlery-shopping, toys! looking-old-with-a-briefcase-bag. Ah-lian hairbands.

Hmm? A sunflower-filled motorcyclist (love the friendly cab-driver) Kumar's randomness, Hitler and one testicle (and his disturbing fetishes), singing in the rain. Huddling beneath Gerry's spoiled blue umbrella (I'M NOT COMPLAINING), coffee-milk tea (wtf?), racing up the down escalator, foccacia and chilli tuna, corn dogs/cornflakes. City Music and Little Martin! Running underneath a small jacket the Korean drama way. Swami and cutting trees (he has good comebacks). Cold Storage milk and honey stars, somersaults and tumble. Green chilli and ohh singing cheesy old songs (Tracy couldn't understand our fascination for it).
And chicken rice with him to finish the day.

Next was, cycling to Punggol Park at 9am. Prata and I don't-know what noodle; some people are just SO hungry. Around and around and saw MJ! Up hill down hill and Macs shivering. Shazreen's little ploy. Befriending execs so that they'll take care of our bicycles. Did I mention horrendous pink-spray painted bicycle?? Barking like a puppy (not my doing), ice-cream cravings and hair products. Yet again, the wrong cleavages. Basement of Heartland mall (gullible please). Chinh's tap water HAHA. Androids. And the best was Punggol Park (after eating for the second time). Little bench under the shade after a round until 4pm. Talking redundant. Legs drawn and start of HTHTs. Vulnerability and insecurity. There's alot I learnt yet I'm sure there's more to learn.

You know, I truly don't expect anything more than this; expectations set too high would lead to an even bigger disappointment. Just glad to have you here, there, everywhere. Glad to understand you more, to be your 'block of wood', to know that other side (we named it Android HA).
Glad to be a friend to you.

(:

Oh bla....

2008-12-02T21:16:00.002+08:00

And so walking down the sidewalks full of nameless people scrutinising every little detail and yet
going over the same ones twice.
Keeling over in pain baby.

Queen to the minor and oblivious to the obvious, it's that I'm feeling-so-shit-I'm-smiling-to-make-believe. I think I'm those cursed with all year PMS, MS, and PMS. It's a vicious cycle (boys don't say you know because you haven't GOT a womb to know) and oh the horror it brought me. It's funny to sit again at the same place and realising every passing face isn't yours. I nearly pushed an elf into the bushes where she actually belong (heard of bush-elf? I think Enid Blyton wrote about them once. They live in toadstools. Or is that known as pixies?). I love that distraction numbers gave me, and yet a book title caught my attention in trying to understand the world better. Or does it? I don't know, Popular bookstores have so much and yet so little.

Some tried to push non-existent blame on me and it's so easy to snap and snarl but being nice I shall not do such things. Sometimes people get so funny thinking you're in control of everything. They complain about every damn thing in the world and not DO anything about it. Haha talk about under-utilising non-existent grey matter.
I hate Annamary today.

Today a stranger praised me about having the touch (Kat please don't laugh and roll your eyes at me) and I think she's strange to say that.
Then again, strangers are strange when you don't know them, right?

It's not right for me to not speak, yet there's nothing to speak of. The proverbial wall shot up out of nowhere, yet again. Haha it's dejavu from few years back.
Sometimes there's so much clarity in silence and sometimes there's so much confusion in it as well. I don't know which it is right now.
I don't wish to know.

There's a certain kind of calmness I feel around you yet you jumbled up every common sense in me. I don't see right. Maybe I need a higher degree for my lenses. I'm going to be as blind as a bat.

The yearning to feel the wind in my hair is very strong yet lethargy seem to sap every ounce of energy I have. Haha I think I'm never going to cycle in the morning due to my exponential rate of procrastination. Last week was such a contrast to the start of the new (in terms of sleeping habit). I used to count sheep until they reach a thousand but now I don't even have to count to ten before one plonked down and knocked the wind out of me. Hahaha so fluffy!
Talking about sheep next week is AidilAdha so we see sheep getting slaughtered. In other words, a feast. I hope the parentals doesn't think of another grill -.-

There's so much difference in a contact when there's different intentions attached to it. How I used to be so self-conscious about my own actions but now I say screw what you think. The joys of turning twenty. I guess we have to sit down and come to terms with Perception. It'll untangle the nerves out of you.
This is to the friend who kept not asking a particular girl in your group out.
CAN YOU PLEASE DO SO. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS.

-------------------

That was yesterday. My internet decided to screw up. So here I am tonight, staring at the computer screen squinting (and no doubt making my eyes worse) trying to make light of things that doesn't make sense at all. I'm all bruised no thanks to Siglap girls and the horrifyingly rough match. I don't know how many of us were thrown on the synthetic cursing like sailors.

Ilyana's grandpa, my granduncle, passed away just now. This is yet another reminder to me, to you, to all, how life could end in a moment. And soon the person will fade away. You'd be lying if you say memories of the person doesn't, because every passing day, every passing month and every passing year their faces dim and their voices reduced to incoherent whispers, and the more you strain to hear and see the more they diminish, into nothingness. And soon we will forget our reason to live, and get too carried away with the world until another funeral hit us in the face, yet another painful reminder.

Yet again my internet is screwing up. Right now I feel so tired and lonely and hungry it's not even funny. I don't like cold nights when I get all mauldin.

I looked up and everytime it hit showers sprang down and I like it, makes it seem as if it's cleansing the world of sins.

Dr Liu cannot really help with my situation now. I HOPE YOU GET SACKED.

When I type in circles and riddles you know what this means.
I'm not okay.

The past week...

2008-12-01T12:15:00.000+08:00

There was a time when I thought I couldn't sit around with Rosie and a friend for 5 hours. Then there was a time where I actually SAT around with Rosie and a friend for 5 butt-numbing hours at a void deck belting out songs with Rosie, taking pictures, singing oldies without Rosie, talking, talking, and bothering residents of the HDB flat and talking. Such a stress reliever.

I think I hit a wall. I'm going no where but maybe going no where is where it is good. Expectations set the standard and I didn't have it high and so numb is more of a word to use then, and now I am at peace. It's the period of conflict between me and Alice (Alice is the name of my alter ego; me and Pei En decided that one fateful night HAHA) and to tell you the truth for once I won. Alice is not talking to me and it's good because much of emotions (and maybe the lack thereof) was due to her. So moody! So it's better to see life through the cleaner side of the window and decide every bit of sunshine that passes through is better than that dark murky shadow that seem to stretch long.

So as weeks go this was not one of the best, certainly not the worse, but through every obstacle there will always be a silver lining that makes things easier to bear, it's just a matter of seeing it or not.
This week Naz's and Yana chan's grandmother passed away (I cannot say I know how they feel because I don't), I got stuck in a lift for 5 minutes, I wanted to shower and there's no water due to the pipes being changed, my dad saw someone's finger chopped (again), I hit a hard wall (but I'm right back up), I had horrible case of insomnia and constipation, aaaannnnddddd examinations are the week after. Doesn't sound too good but it could be worse.

There was the issue of pictures, contradiction jumping out of every corner giving me nasty surprises. There was the problem of a Red-and-White Orbea that weigh a ton of guilt, chain of silver and leather of white reminded me yet again, of the guilt that bear me down. Damsel nagged at me. You don't know how awful it is to be nagged at by someone 2 years your junior and actually spooning out advice to me. Taste like poison. The more I kept away the more he comes forward, the more she kept away the more drawn I would feel. It's like an mobius strip, there is no beginning to this and I don't see any end, due to my inability to keep Alice, Conscience, Empathy and Sympathy (and maybe a dash of Curiousity and Attraction) at bay. Oh the joys of life. Feels a bit like Half-Life 2 to me; got to hide and come out quickly to shoot at the targets.

I was thinking of getting a travelling guitar (those cheap small ones, an Ukelele would be ideal too, anything less than 200$) because I felt that tantamount of emotions and sentimentality when I played Rosie out of home. Since I've got a bicycle now, I would want to bring a guitar to the beach now and then to sit and play and waste my while away. But Rosie's too heavy (think poor aching back).

I'm craving for Apple Strudel and it's a good sign. For one and a half weeks I can't work up an appetite to eat due to my constipation issues (mum kept sighing about veges; ILI YOU GOT TO EAT YOUR VEGES says she). This lack of sleep and food makes Alice come out and play with my friends.

I don't know if I'm getting more weird by the moment but then again define normality. I know that I'm getting a bit more warped with my thinking and perception of life and the liberal mind, as they say, is the most dangerous thing I have. There's much thought about the ideal way of life, trying to bridge the gap between rich and poor, wondering if it IS right to tax the rich more and less the poor.
For years I've been thinking Robin Hood was right, but now to look at it from the other side of the window, why take away hard-earned wealth from people who WORK for it and give to those who couldn't even work up enough energy and effort to find a job and support themselves?
Society's burden and social ills should be eradicated.
We should set up our own set of gas chambers for these people HAHA.

Melodies I love. And being the masochist that I am, listening to it every single day is like a cut at the same place, over and over
and over and over again.
Numbs it all.

Funny how I rode a magic carpet and fell out the moment I reached the sky.
Guess God wouldn't allow me to pluck a star and keep it to make my night warm.

Copeland.

2008-11-23T22:53:00.003+08:00

I don't know how to say it, other than there's so much happening in a week. Gosh I need to breathe and internalise and in elf's words do yoga after thinking of such things.

Anyway managed to sell off my old Samick. Such sentimental value.

Lately I've been having difficulty sleeping and, most disturbing of all, eating. I cannot look at food because it just disgust me. And THAT disgust me. Whatever happened to my love for food dammit! But after having some talky-talk session with Kwek Pei En I got hungry and ate. HAHA.

Not much of teaching thank God, but weekend was spent teaching Uncle Suhairi Economics because his paper is tomorrow. God bless, but I should think he's ok.

I failed my driving test (again). But I never felt happier after I failed I know sounds weird. Adel also failed. Hahah just the night before we were talking about ways to seduce the tester, like not wearing a bra and turning the aircon very low to get things perky. Or the best was no panties and wear a skirt, with a t shirt sliced in the middle to show cleavage (or rather Adel's non-existing ones!).
Guess we deserved to fail huh.

Naz slept over on Friday and in her blog she said I had something for her?? If I were to have something for anyone, they'd usually turn out to be Chinese.
She groped me like crazy. Look who has something for who! Did beach cleaning the next morning and I met the most CUTEST 15 month child called Mathias Singh Redawa. He is SO cute I could eat him alive. Raqeeb, my mum and I went cycling after that. Mum and cycling don't usually get along well but my mum seemed to be best of friends with it. We cycled to Fifa's to say hi and horror my mum went "Fifa looks SO pretty, I can't believe the things you said about her!"
Mothers are so judgmental sometimes. And cycled around Changi. Good place to cycle you know. I should want to cycle around that area as soon as I coughed up money for a new bicycle.

Huda kept asking me what I want for my birthday and I said a blanket. WHY don't people believe me when I say I want a blanket. Or a towel. Or a Dream Theater DVD "Chaos In Motion". But I definitely need a blanket.

You're killing me. I think I'm going to waste 3 whole years again. I never expect to feel like this anytime soon.
I'm not sure if it's reciprocated. I don't even care if it is.
This much I know, the damage is done.

I'm sinning so much it's scary.

I'll take care of you.
Have faith that when you call my name
I'll be there...

Keep breathing on.
Keep that sweet heart of yours beating
I'll be right there...

Don't lift a finger let me hold you.
Hold you here until the pain is all gone...

Cellists

2008-11-16T21:58:00.002+08:00

Today was an errand-of-sorts day.

Taking a break from OLS (termed by Naz as Old Lame Shit), you-tubing around. Oh I went expo. To think there was a cat show but there wasn't. There's Croc's Sale and MPH book sale. And an Extravaganza Sale. Which I happily exploit to make up for the absence of cat show. Only to rush home to find out that my parents, yet again, eloped to Malaysia. If I'd known, I would've played soccer with Osha and gang man.

Anyway you know what's the hottest thing to watch?
Cellists in action.
Ok no, female cellists in action. So smexy please.

Cheesy Songs!

2008-11-15T12:38:00.002+08:00

It's those few weeks with a horrid Monday. I was on my way to teach in the crappy cold morning.
Maybe it's God's way to tell me to not jay walk.
So I was at the divider about to cross and the most annoying driver had to spray beautiful rain water at me. I was busy waving my finger and cursing at the car when another driver splashed, yet again, beautiful rain water. Horribly wet and to top it off Amira text me saying she reached Macs all dry. HA.

I hate the cold ): Especially when I'm not at home. Met Fanabanana for dinner for Monday. That made the day better for me.

We had a substitute coach for three weeks and he's just very different from Rosli so needed some getting use to. Had breakfast with him and he sent me off to school. Adel asked to meet for lunch and lo behold ISH appeared out of nowhere (with Shisei the sidekick). Such a surprise Ish was supposed to be in Aussie can. Apparently she reached home at 1 in the morning that day.

Wednesday was teaching at 1030 at freaking Sengkang. Haha it was a torture to wake up. Andrea and Kat came by, supposedly to talk over lunch and study but ended up lepak-ing at Starbucks until 5pm. Went for Avenue Q in the evening qith Michlai and Ham. It was so awesome can!! I love musicals.

So Thursday was another torturous round. I was being so itchy (gatal) to have driving at 8 am. After a tiring day-before. Went breakfast at Coffee Bean with my aunt and we were discussing about opening our own family business with my grandma's land in Malaysia. Came up with good ideas. Then school. I missed Economets tutorial but not much of a loss. Caught up with whatev Kumar's doing with the help of a very nice classmate ((: My brains felt exploited by 8pm. Just wanted to cry and go home, mentally tiring buuuuttt I survived until 10pm. Ha to school. Love long weekends.

Friday was teaching in the morning, studying at Starbucks, took the wrong direction (heading for AMK but ended up at Pasir Ris I can't believe myself). Continued studying at Term3 Macs with Syahril til 8. I feel great figuring out Economets by myself. I felt terrible because a fever popped up like a zit. With that kind of massive headache, as if you have a tribe dancing in your head.

Today was, after months and months of busy Saturdays, a free Saturday. I felt wrong sleeping into 10 am because that's when I usually start and end obscenely late but heyho I'm at home and free. The joy. Zhong wants to drop by today, I don't know why she's so adamant about it, rather suspicious hoho.

I hope she wants to buy my guitar. Mum's been harping about my room and mess. Apparently, guitar = mess for her. My room, her fuss. I don't know why ):

Off studying now. Cat Show's on tomorrow at the Expo. Catch it please!

2008-11-08T17:55:00.002+08:00

Guess what's the best present I've gotten?

That's an Ibanez. I actually have an Ibanez in my room. I cannot believe it still.

Birthday's good, the usual I guess. This year's caller-of-the-year would be Ilyana. It was quite a crazy conversation with her in the middle of the night talking about, gosh things mums would not approve of. Had dinner with him somewhere poshy, kissy, the night before. And out with the usual three for The Coffin and dinner.

It was the Math paper1 on Tuesday, and lo behold Damsel Ong Su Lin had to pull that crying thing on me which totally spoilt a day and a half. Because I felt it is my shortcomings if they have difficulty somewhere; that I should have taught them this way, and not the other, and so many what ifs. But as written on my table, There's Nothing "What Ifs" Can Do. So I guess all I can do for now is reflect on my mistakes and update/upgrade myself for future students, which I have reduced to 5 for next year. Trying for good number 4. Thankfully Math 2 was so much better.

Monday was annoyingly nice because I give nice nice cookies to Kat and she all but offered it to. Anyway of late Vincent seemed so prone to mispronunciation. Like goggle for google. The winner goes to 'strip writing'. Dela gave me a calendar. I know this sounds weird but I actually like calendars, and this year I reused last years because I cannot find one that's nice enough. Thankfully what I've gotten for next year is so pretty ((:

Lisa Hannigan's out with her debut album, Sea Sew, and reviews of it are promising. I must make haste to the music store to get it pronto.

Thursday was tiring. Started teaching at ten thirty and ended at 3. Rushed for 4pm lesson. All the way until ten. I saw STEPHEN TAY on the bus I nearly scream out his name. Reached home at 11, only to have Rachel calling me about Math at such hour. Stayed on the phone with her until past midnight talking on and on about something other than Math (I broke a rule with that). It would've gone on and on if not for the realisation that there's a paper she must sit for the next day at 8am. Total freak-out on my part please.

I watched US Election Night on Wednesday from start to finish and I was (this is, I have to admit very weird) so happy and deeply moved by his acceptance speech.
Haha the world would be a better place to be in I hope.

I find Rudy so weird that I shall not meet him anymore!

Next week seemed to be more promising; would finish teaching the A Level's students by Monday. I know I will miss them, but right now free time is something I really look forward to after a crazy and utterly drama (thanks to favouritestudent) year. I'm finally meeting Fana ((: And robbing Hazel's house with Toh. Probably meet Teo haven't seen him for ages! Plus there's a new recruit for soccer on Tuesday. And not to mention water soccer (I pray to God it's still on). And the need to start studying (MOCKS ARE COMING. KAT YOU BETTER START PLEASE) feels quite exciting in a twisted way.

There's one girl I like she's a smile on a Monday
And she'll fight to stay so.
And she's like the sun on a weekend
And though she is like the sea she's right to be so
Still I like that she sails with me.

TISSUE

2008-11-01T20:41:00.002+08:00

Thursdays have been eventful of late, I'm totally loving it :D

After some thought (or not much at all, it was a WONDERFUL excuse to have a walk and train ride) I went over to Pei En's after class (which ends at ten pm?) but of course she opened her doors warmly and with much anticipation (HAHAHAHA) to her most beloved tutor and friend.

During my long long break Ilyana called and said HEY I'M NEAR YOUR SCHOOL (don't know why people like to do that lately). Ah but since her mum didn't sit to eat the beancurd it was only for a moment, and I headed back to the library to sit at my usualy spot, only to find THE TEACHER'S PET SITTING AT THE NEXT CUBICLE TO MINE.

That's the first break. The next break since usually-hungry Tracey was not hungry, I went for early dinner alone and well, let's just say the story was about a man, a runny nose, and a tissue packet, period. Very unexpected but not unpleasant.

And awareness, it's not neccessarily a good thing all along sometimes. Anyway one of the rare times I talked on the phone to Kat.
"Yes Ili I know, those kind of stickman with a dress that you can conveniently look up"
Just love that line lol.

Yesterday I was unfortunate enough to leave my keys at my grandparents, but my grandpa who ALWAYS comes to the rescue did it again, cycling over to pass me my keys (and the biliTouch, I don't know how I could forget that). And I don't know HOW I managed to agree with Syahril to meet up for breakfast with Hamzah as well at the most ridiculous hour (7.30 am, for which I was half hour late). Good fun. Still teaching. Tiresome day teaching all over.
Today was also the case, though I was roused from sleep earlier than usual by a most tiresome person, even after I dumped her kid because she's a health hazard to teach, she can still haunt me.
The nerve.

Just wondering (: (: (:

Tissue!

Days...

2008-10-29T19:41:00.003+08:00

Haven't blogged for quite sometime, that's a change.

Last week was a week of holiday from school. No holiday in teaching though, it gets ever busy, now with Evina coming back to me for Statistics and uncle for Econs.
Wonder when I can have a proper break!

I did quite a lot past days, like dinner out with Pei En (babe that's awesomely fun) at Bedok Corner and stuffing the hell out of ourselves, then comparing tummy fat. HAHA. I went over to Adela's residence for KK, kim chee, and korean grapes (which was God-mode). I went for badminton twice at Clementi. Changi V, ice-creams and paper planes. There was also the weekend of visiting the relatives houses, eating like bears going into hibernation, gossip gossip gossip (mainly by Yana!). Went swimming over at Fatin's, with Yana's OTT dance moves which shook the whole MPV, Nadz's most horrible sense of direction, Fatin's driving. And J's Wok for the night.

Training yesterday was great. I cannot wait, really cannot wait for after A's, with (hopefully) more people joining. I want to see where I actually stand skillwise.

AND WATER SOCCER ON THE 14TH NOVEMBER.

Kwek Pei En offered to pay half for my refurbished shuffle as an early birthday gift. Haha I feel quite awkward if people give me gifts, so please don't.

------------------

I told her about a particular someone (a friend no less) always discussing her to me. And I suggested.
And if she knows.
She does, and said "I'm not stupid you know, I'm from ___ (we shall not disclose the school name) obviously I'd know."
And if she's aware, why does her signs contradict what she supposedly feel? Hm I don't know if it's fun toying around but it's definitely not fun being on the receiving end. It left quite a sour taste in my mouth. How can you not pity my friend??

Meh, I find such behaviour quite unneeded, leading others down the garden path. I wonder what goes through her mind when she acts as she does.
So weird.

Society had really trancend into a level beyond comprehension due to superficiality. So everybody wants to be stick thin and pretty. Anyone overweight/ugly/'defective' would be (don't deny it, all of you) looked at differently. We all aspire to look like Kate Moss or Heidi Klum without actually looking inside us for true beauty. What happened to 'loving someone for who they are?'
There's a race to be homogenous. Soon everyone would go under the knife and coming out looking just like the person beside them. I don't understand all this need to be beautiful outside. What matters is character. At the end of the day, you can look like Ms Universe but if your personality is without depth, then there would be no meaning to it. I hear the rants about small boobs, big thighs, ugly face, crooked teeth, unruly hair, me-eye-isn't-green! etc etc etc. I wonder why they are not thankful of how 'complete' we're created. Why don't they say a little prayer of gratitude to God for making them able-bodied, with a complete set of limbs.

I wonder why God doesn't take away their perfection and give it to someone else who could appreciate it better than they.

Anyway I learned Cannonball on the guitar! I happily warbled away to my favourite tune during insomnia nights.
By the way Hamz haven't tried the honey method but hope it'll work! Syahril called just now to meet up but it'll probably be tomorrow. I hate long long breaks.
But now I'm in love with Thursdays :D

I can't wait for them to finish A's.
I'll have more time in hand,
I don't have to worry so much,
and I don't have to strain my poor poor diminishing braincells.

And you give, I get, without giving anything to me.

Insomnia week

2008-10-17T01:22:00.002+08:00

Ah!

That's for fun.

Anyway it's insomnia week, partly due to Monday, partly due to I don't know, everything else (PMS)? But it's a great day today, good weather, good lessons, good company.
And a good incident that kept me thinking and thinking and thinking.
Hence sleepless. I'll throw a plane out the window later for luck.

There's a faint attraction and a hell lot of curiosity when I met you. I met you, and what I noticed first was your ankle. Familiar, that stretch of white. The parallel stretches of white that ran dry of blood. Demure personality masked that hurt of yours, I reckoned. Maybe it was unintentional. But another glance, I saw those repeated lines kissing your wrist.
I wonder at the skeletons you keep.

That summed up today. Best friend called very early morning to check on me, albeit being drunk, on the usual Wednesday night which was Ladies' Night. I don't know to be annoyed that he's drinking like a fish again or touched that even in the state of drunkedness he remembered to care.
LOL to that.

I'll miss you too ((:

Dying.

2008-10-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

This is it.
I am scum.
How am I suppose to go through tonight,
with such a stain on my conscience.
I am lowest.

If I can make it through this night, it'll make me stronger. Stronger.
If it doesn't kill me.

God, just let me get through the night.

What a week!

2008-10-06T22:51:00.002+08:00

Phew what a week. it wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't altogether good either.

Sometimes I feel there's so much, overwhelming thoughts and emotions that I feel like I'm bursting, like a balloon filled with some kind of poison that kills, that tear and that bites with teeth so sharp it's numbing.
Meh.

SO moving on, my dad was in Singapore for the whole of last week, and you don't know how edgy I get when he's around, simply because I get on my nerve, or there's just no space in the world for two huge egos.

Class was per normal, with all the buzz of Hari Raya (though it gets less and less of a Hari Raya every passing year), frantically trying to understand damned models, and crazy derivations, amidst cleaning the room (my mum stood by the doorway to my room for five minutes to stare at the already cleared room, I think I should upload pictures to show you why) and mum said I have to look at it first before it gets messy.

Got my white blinds fixed up, and a colourful rug thrown on the floor to offset all the pink and whiteness in my room (goodness, with that kind of colour combination I feel so... feminine, I think I should take up knitting). I lost my head on Tuesday hence skipped school (yes I am NOT suppose to but when I'm in that sort of mood I'd even swear at a stranger, which I did while walking down the pavement, I am sorry), so I caught a movie Youth Without Youth (alone, yes) to calm down. God I hate it when I'm like that, mind so clouded felt so unclear and just... bla.

Hari Raya was good (even without the mood...). The lack of mood's probably the fault of the examinations lurking beneath the grubs. Anyway, for the first time, EVERYONE was at my maternal grandma's (even Cha and family!). That was my happiest time in life, simply love them all :DD I broke fast there on Tuesday evening and Nur and Cha was there so we sat around, chat, tried clothes, and nearly wanted to run down and buy sparklers. So we took the huge family photo, even Uncle Di participate, albeit being reluctant. Oh the love!

Then the usual first day houses, this year was good because althought recession is setting in very soon Malay people don't feel it, hence money flowing in. How awesome.

Thursday was that long long day in school, but I met Adela and Riz for lunch so it quite make up for the tiredness. Plus, I finally saw Charles (and can't help staring at...) was trying so hard to not laugh. Time pass fast with good company.
Rooms get colder by the hour and by the last lecture (which was boring boring Economets, I really should get the text by Dogherty, Gujarati's was so dry I nearly hydrate it with water) I was freezing my toes off, though I'm doing better than Andrea, I swear she turned blue.

Oh the week was all about people giving me food, Dewi baked cookies lol! And because Kat and Minal didn't turn up, she gave me the whole bunch. Happiness for free! Then Adela made her own chocolates (I didn't know people still do that) and of course I'm always the guinea pig. It's good for a first try.

Went out visiting on Friday and Sunday. Entertaining our spoilt but cute cousin Dina, we (me and Yasmin) played her game. And so we decided to be annoying and cheat and she lost so many times she was sulking. It was such a laugh.

Tarzan is a monkey man
sitting on a rubber band
hopscotch the rubber band
what colour is his underpants?

I miss all these games, like Vampire Bat (or what?? I don't know) and that finger-breaking thing.

And it's awesome to cheat with small kids they look SO cute when they go off in a huff haha!

Saturday was spent teaching, in baju kurung. My God.

Talking about teaching, my year 2s are going to be gone in 26 days time.
I feel that days past in such a blur, and it's with such a heavy heart that it has to end.

I'll save it when that time comes and I'll be tearing about it (though I hope none of them will know about it, they'll probably have a heart attack knowing I actually cared).
D:

Oh and pass few days were a few birthdays, more notable was KWEK PEI EN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAYANG.

And my boyf's birthday too, though he doesn't read this so no point wishing.

And I treated him to a surprise hotel dinner just now, he looked like such a happy small boy hahaha! It was wonderful just walking and eating. I tried raw swordfish (wtf I know, it actually taste good).
And I had my fair share of surprise, which I'll say he did it again and I have the urge to slaughter him.

Oh breakfast was with the males just now, failed in trying to study together so we head down to Bras Basah, when I saw a Gujarati sticking out and tried reading it (to no avail obviously). I secretly spied at Syahril and I saw that he was giggling to himself while reading the (I'm not kidding with this one) A DICTIONARY. WHO THE FUCK LAUGHS WHILE READING THE DICTIONARY?!

Hamz nose was running a marathon and dripping, we decided to have lunch nearby.
Up the rooms for rent! The poor couple was mistaken, poor things (Hamz we need to apologise to them).

OH music. That CD Shop had this 3 for 50$ so I went and bought Death Magnetic, Viva La Vida, and Air Supply's Best Hits. I was most eager to tear the cellophane paper of Death Magnetic and insert it to the player.

And Death Magnetic, thankfully, wasn't anything like St. Anger.
AND THANKFUL FOR THAT. It was reminiscent of '...And Justice For All' combined with that bit of Black Album.
So fucking good I called him up and let him listen to it (I'm glad he loves metal too).
Sigh, Metallica, please come to Singapore.

I haven't listen to the other two yet, still hyped after listening to Judas Kiss and All Nightmare Long. Ohmygod I'm so glad it's not St. Anger once more, it'll be disappointing to the point of tears.

Dream Theater recently released their Chaos In Motion DVD, their live dvd from their tours around the world.
I WANT THE LIMITED EDITION SET.

Sorry it's been long since I've raved on about music, particularly metal music. I have still to buy Opeth's Watershed. Heard it's good too.

Anyway best friend's off in Germany, and called when he's at the airport to sing me a Hari Raya song before farewells (he sound like he's dying, the poor soul). He text saying that he had found peace in Germany, and I'm like, what, did you visit the gas chambers and reached Nirvana or something?
He's such a weird thing but so long he's happy.

Qing called saying that it's so fucking boring at the army, felt like a fucking dog, obeying shit orders.
(: Still the same.

My gay side isn't leaving anytime soon, whispering so seductively it's hard to resist.
But I must persist.

Busy.

2008-09-25T23:28:00.004+08:00

Such a busy busy week, what's with driving (I failed, which I happily recounted to Kat), school, teaching and baking cookies, I hardly have time to breathe.

This is all going to be in random, whatever comes to my mind first, so everything is probably jumbled up:

I was late for school twice, and twice I had friends reserving me seats at the centre row of the centre column at the centre seat. I am grateful they do think of me when they do that but it makes me feel so conspicuous entering the class half an hour late.

Which Vincent so love to point out. -.-

Met Raqeeb for break fast ((: Before that we went to Bras Basah to check out the Ibanez AW40 that I have an eye on for quite a while. Buuuuttt it's not so friendly I guess, playability wise. I don't know. He insisted on sending me home on his bike but me, being very rational, think a cab down to Loyang Point would be better.
Which wasn't, seeing that the driver did a stately 90km/h on normal road and very narrowly missing a truck. If he thought he was a member of Tokyo Drift, he thought wrong.
And so I spent 2 hours with my favourite student at MacD with her asking me the most personal questions I was tempted to sew her mouth. She's improving, which is good.
And we had a man (a grown man) who thinks he's driving an imaginary car, complete with imaginary clutch and gears, with an imaginary phone pressed tightly to his ear (I'd so love to say imaginary ear but that's not true... sigh) talking to his imaginary friend.
Such an odd ball.

And horribly sleepy the next day I went to school and walked around after with Dewi. She's crazy after that Louis Khoo guy so I waited with her till six plus-ish before I had to go off. She can really eat a lot though. Was planning to buffet the next week together already -.-
And broke fast with Ham at Bedok Corner. I have ate there thrice in the fasting month. I guess it's really good, plus good company. And we walked back to Bedok mrt (well, almost) laughing at the stupidity of people.

Talking about Hamzah we were talking about (naturally) random things and I was looking up on the net looking as to why women have cramps (for this month I'm cursed with it, probably with the help of damsel)and I don't know some terminology, so I asked him what is the cervical canal thingumajig.
And he told me to wait.
And produced this :

It took me five minutes to stop laughing.

So I was thinking of sleeping when I reached home. But to my horrror my mum started THE production. That's right, THE production of cookies and oh the many annoying things to bake. Thing is, my household bakes for 4 households. Like what the fuck? Do I look like I'm cheap labour (my aunt's cheap labour too by the way)? Which apparently is so. Got me sleeping at 5 freaking am. It was quite fun though. You don't know my aunt(s). Throughout the night we were having conversations by spelling.

Eg.

Ili: Bik, could you pass me the f-r-u-i-t j-u-i-c-e? (it's all spelled out)
Bibik: Oh, so God don't give you h-a-n-d-s to take it y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f?

Fucking hilarious I so love. And warbling songs off Class 95 till the morning.

The next day we continued a bit of THE production at the balcony (my aunt wanted to feel as if she's in a garden; with the greenery and the sound of trickling water from the pond. IMO: BULL).

I was almost late for Econometrics but I wasn't. Kumar had a haircut. I don't really like the way Kumar teach cause he assumes you know EVERYTHING. Which, as a student, you don't. Sat around during lunch break with Kat, Weichun and Riz before the first two had to go for class (note to Kat: I'm so proud of you that you went). So Riz regaled me with stories I couldn't quite half believe it. And so he proved that he spoke Russian by talking to one of the Mongolian staff (yes we do have Mongolian staffs) in that language. And she told me it's true that he's speaking it. =.=
OH YES Muralli aka JESUS talked to me just now. I feel so sagely LOL. Haven't told Adel about it. So I'm to ask a few junior colleges if they would allow talks conducted by the College.

I had such a painful long break but it's not too bad. Went out with Ching, Andrea and Tracy for early dinner, where I tapau-ed and ate in class. So I was wrong thinking my other course mates are nerds (which they're so not, they're awesome fun). And we were having conversations about secondary schools, when Andrea told us she's from St. Nichs. Like wtf haha she told me she went to Stansfield after working for a few years, and that her last examination was the O levels, and there I was wondering what went wrong in her education. And she was from St. Nichs, with ten freaking O levels.
God mode man.
(She's quite cute by the way, and NO it doesn't mean anything before you guys harp at me like... well, harps)

Abstract Math was abstract thus leaving me brainless, and I went to meet two males for supper at Popeye's. As usual Syahril had his way, I pointed it out to him. Meh! There was this joke sent to guys.

Text read: Warning to all men, please do not suck on China women's breasts as they're contaminated with melamine.

Haha roll on floor laughing my ass off (in other words, roflmao! It's an expression Jien loved to use).

Talking about texts, my student Bijak Bestari was touchingly at a disbelief when I told her I failed me driving.

Ili: Oh, I failed my driving knocked so many things!
Fifa: Hahah so you passed! (I don't think I could've made my sentence any clearer)
Ili: NO I failed la.
Fifa: Sure... Congratulations :)
Ili: I'm not joking I FAILED.
Fifa: Right.

Which resorted me to call her an tell her that her tutor isn't as perfect as she thinks I am LOL.
(That bit took more than 2 minutes)

Anyway there were few things people said that was quite bothering me. About how we thought about 'it', we really would think of it at least once in our lifetime, but we usually never crossed it. Which I did. And I wonder how people could actually make the choice.
Isn't the choice already made for you?

Another was the saying of 'me too'. I was berated by a student because she overheard snippets of my conversation with the Man and there's a part where I smiled and said 'me too'. She nagged (still do, really) and said that saying me too would hurt others because it kind of shows that you couldn't say those words out yourself.
Which I can't really bring myself to lately, because I usually mean what I say.
So that point is settled.

And it's weird that when I had something major (like failing the driving test! HAHA) I resort to a certain someone who reminded me of the past to cheer me up; which she did, immensely.
Which is a bad sign. I'm never going to learn from my lesson.

And, goodbyes, you hugged me so tight,
as if you're saying don't go.
But I have to. Eventually,
I have to leave you.

Oh?

2008-09-20T17:05:00.002+08:00

Sleepy.

Thursday was God-awfully long, and with the arrival of my menses (sorry male readers for this explicit info) I cannot fast. And you know, when you're NOT fasting during the fasting month it's different, hunger pangs hit you like how an Uzi would.
I had my very first Abstract Math class yesterday, and it's Math at it's most nonsensical. We have a thing called Mathematical Logic?? And we have to prove things like
"Is there such thing as a biggest prime number?"

So hungry and tired after that, ended at ten at night. My night makan kakis were unavailable. The Man was working night shift ): And Teo's in army (WHY -.-) and I don't think I can stand Mat's annoyingness so I called Syahril the Orchard Policeman and he's free so we sat around for supper until midnight, before heading home.

Thursdays; I need people to eat with me on Thursday nights.

I had the first lesson with Amira yesterday and teaching someone new (note to future students: If you have huge puppy eyes, please make it smaller, they make me nervous I don't know why, it doesn't help that.....) is always quite a challenge. Getting familiarise and trying to know their weak points. Tedious, and I have to get her to at least pass.
Meh. But it'll be alright.

And Ev passed her Biz Math with a B+ ohmygod (don't worry Pei En you'll still be Number One student). But am glad. One down. Many more to go.

Went over to MJ's today tried out some new songs and I so love the part where I played rhythm and he does his usual plucking on the Fender. Haha he's damn cool please.

Mmm teaching and studying is a good combination. Doesn't leave much space for idle.

Anyway pressing matter at hand the Man's birthday is in 2 weeks time, 27th of September, and I haven't a clue for his present. Yes alot of things I could get but I want to put the most thought to it, because he is the most thoughtful person in my existence, and also the kindest and most loving. And so, it has to be something damn special and priceless.
BUT WHAAAAAAT IS IT. That has been alluding me for so long. I could sew for him something (note: If I sew something for you it's means you mean alot to me, because I fucking HATE to sew and I can't do so for nuts), or I don't know!
I know what he truly wants but it's not of my interest, YET (it starts with M people, if you're wondering HA).

Sigh, men are so tough to pamper sometimes.

It must be the Toblerone Fruit and Nuts, tummy's killing me.

Nothing specific;

2008-09-17T19:33:00.006+08:00

Night's been good these days, so clear and windy it's a joy to sleep. Sadly I didn't/couldn't take advantage of it.

The other time the moon was so so beautiful, so clear with little wispy clouds around it. And we sat at the playground beneath it and play nice songs on the guitar. Too bad it was just Kat and not some sexxeh man/woman. Haha talk about spoiling a chance for possible romance ;p
And conversations till wee morning; about Muralli (aka JESUS HAHA), maternity stores, photo albums, getting pregnant (not on my part), spoiling weddings, jeluz jeluz boys, bad sex (again, not on my part), KIDS' NAMES OMG, perfect cheesy moments and bankers.

Talking about bankers, Lehman Brothers went down, next up would be AIG (or AIA in Singapore, thought not much danger of collaspe here). People, watch your insurance companies they might be sinking. Central banks all over are increasing money supply left right and centre. As the good Economics students I expect all of you to be, expansionary monetary policy is bad news because this sparks off inflation.

What the hell. They brought it to themselves by their dishonesty. But others suffer.
Cruel, isn't it?

Anyway, I was cajoled by a student into teaching Amira Economics. I have to say, I was very reluctant to agree but because she couldn't afford Munshi's (who's actually conceptually wrong so I heard) and there wasn't any tutors who could step in and help at the eleventh hour. And so, albeit being horribly reluctant, I relented to that one student who could always twist my limb in every direction =.= "Welcome on board the ili experience!"

Sigh and so, additional responsibilty is added to my already sagging shoulders and aching back. I get horribly jittery teaching someone who is in dire need of help when it's so near the exams because I'm pressured to obtain some sort of a miracle for them. It's the same with Evina, who's results will be in tomorrow.
Lo behold, sleepless night!

I finally met Yats last Saturday at the mosque and we did all we could to not scream. So much stories exchanged and as usual all the updates on everyone we know. Haha! While I'm ranting to her about the unfairness of being bisexual she said she'd rather be that than be in dilemma over two guys (as she has always been, things never change! she should just get hitched to Azry), since being a bi would mean that at the end of the day, you know you would have to pick the marriable one.
HAHA to that.

It was a bad day in a good way. And having recurring dreams about a certain being doesn't help (and to Kat and possibly Fifa, it's not THAT person), I came to the conclusion that
God should make all my classmates male.

My favourite Chinese boy's off to the army to be a Man.
Now I'll feel horribly lonely whenever I go Parkway.

9 crimes.

2008-09-13T02:50:00.002+08:00

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place
to be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time,
for somebody new.
It's a small crime,
and I've got no excuse.

Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded.
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I suppose to hold it?
Is that alright with you?

No.

Tuesday, and end.

2008-09-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

Ah. My timetable is okay, save Thursday's.

Thursday:
1130 to 1300 hours - Econometrics Tutorial
1600 to 1730 hours - Abstract Math Tutorial
1845 to 2015 hours - Abstract Math Lecture
2030 to 2200 hours - Econometrics Lecture

Like noooooooooooooooo HOW CAN I HAVE SUCH HUGE BREAKS IN BETWEEN!!!!

I wanted to raise hell at Kumar but he looked too apologetic for me to even start.
Sigh.

But still, I won't (and I mean it!) skip classes anymore because I have learnt my lesson.
(To whom it may concern, please don't skip! :D )

Yesterday while I was on the train platform, there's a very annoying woman who thinks she's pretty(in my opinion and on my scale of prettiness, she wouldn't come close to the hundredth decimal place even if you were to round it up), flicking her hair at the direction of the wind and kept giving surreptitious glances to whoever was looking at her (I'm sure there wasn't anyone else but me, and I was burning holes at her overly permed and coloured hair). I very nearly pushed her down the tracks when the train approached but due to the fasting month and all that abstinence-and-patience yaya, I didn't.

Went to meet Teo, who broke fast with me. He's so nice, insisting that he'll wait for me before eating and refused to touch a single chunk of meat, and buying most of the stuff while I sit down like a princess. (: Between the two of us, we finished 20 sticks of satay, a lump of white carrot cake, a plate of fried kway teow, a plate of roti john with cheese, chng tngs, and fruit juices. Plus we headed down to Gelare for Half-Price Tuesday in Matin's car (he narrowly missed a cyclist, resulting in flurries of vulgarity). It was like a mini TK gathering, with Zhao Ming and gang in one corner, us, Salam & co, then Ying Zhen joined us.

I must snap out of sleeping at 4 am and waking at 12. It's such a bad habit and probably screw up my biological clock (if it's not screwed up yet). I need to enjoy the mornings; like hearing the birds chriping so gaily you wanna shoot them, listening to children going to school screaming their lungs out you'd wish it'll rain and drown their voices (along with them of course), and oh flipping through the channels and staring at horror the most kitsch talk shows around (like Tyra's, so bimbotic!).
Such a ray of sunshine.

Oh and! Yesterday Dzul called me from Melbourne (doing some prank call shit as usual, I'm an easy prey of that) which was a very pleasant surprise because a)he doesn't talk much to me usually, b)he's cute, truly (can't believe I said that), and c)good way to kill time. Haha! Yesterday was a good day for me.

And so, God switched on the flash function of His camera to get a better view, only to be greeted by sodden characters roaming the streets hungry for something more than food; girls so scantily clad teethering on heels too high for them, and men seeking carnal joys.
Of wives that are not subservient to their spouses, of husbands seeking escape from home, nowhere to go. Mothers that threw their child to salvage whatever's left of pride, and fathers that leered at their own daughters.
How to cope?
With leaders that thought only of self-serving, deaf to the cries of their responsibility. And organisations that portray hope, only to be stripped of their veneers by racism, profit, and power.
Sights of liberation tainted by real intentions to command and conquer.
Bodies unwilling stripped down to earn, head to toe.

As we get older, we get more silly and maladies set in.
I guess it's the same for Earth. As it aged, it became more diseased than ever, and it's not long,
not long more till He decided to pull the plug on her.

Run - Collective Soul

2008-09-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

Is there a cure amongst us,
from this processed sanity?
I weaken with each voice that sings.

In this world of purchase,
I'm going to buy back memories.
To awaken some old quality.

Have I got a long way to run?

Tell me.

I run.

The fasting month;

2008-09-04T23:12:00.002+08:00

This week marks the start of the fasting month; All hell chained up above (or below, I don't know), and abstinence is the key.

Which means I am to curb my addictions. Like spending, for one. I blew 100+$ during the weekends on clothing and apparels. To be frank, I paid only few dollars during that weekend, after an eternal argument with the Man on who's paying, which I nearly tore a 50$ note to let him know I'm serious about this. Seriously, I can't have this on my conscience.
But it was fun nevertheless. Met the most colourful character in Greg.

The week had not been uneventful, not that it had been so eventful that I had to catch a breath. It was more interesting, to say the least. I spent (or wasted, whichever you choose) half a Monday with Afifa, who went to book her BTT (which she complained of the long queue, and upon getting a test date, complained of the long wait) and supposed to be teaching but then who else could forget foolscap paper, GC and a pencil box?? So ended up sitting at the very end of Changi enjoying the breeze and scenery, occasionally unfurling umbrellas.
And went to teach. And supped at Swensen's ((: Meeting a very interesting writer Hideo Asano. Tuesday was all about rushing from Far East to Eunos, getting caught in the most awful bout of rain.
Wednesday was teach, teach, teach and teach.

Today would have been good, had not greeted me with tear-stained cheeks. Le sigh. I hate this part of the job. Twice already love. And instead of probing I sat and let her regain some normality before we resumed per normal.
But still, I hate to see pretty girls cry -.-

And had a very good talk about religion with (surprisingly) Vincent. The Man passed his TP bike, and so we're going bike-shopping one of these days (he insist of getting me a pink helmet LOL). Went to Forum Toys R Us and he can be such a kid with lego and all that remote-controlled vehicles that he so love. After prayers went off to sup at Hagen Daaz (which is superb by the way, BE jeluz) before being sent home.

Pampered is the order of the day ((:

OH and best of all Kat and I found someone who actually thought Orlando Bloom had pointy ears (akin LOTR character that he played, Legolas) and it was such a laugh please.
My results are still not in! RAH.

And so best friend was being exceptionally nice this week makes me feel suspicious.

Here's To...

2008-08-27T00:52:00.002+08:00

Here's to the days where we let slip and smile,
and let show our lies.
Here's to those days where we laugh and sing,
miss not a ring.
And here's to those where we skip and run
with arms around.

Here's to those.

And here's to those nights we let loose tears and angst,
refusing to budge and
into an emotional crank.
Let's toast to those times we
sparred so hard
and when it end,
we didn't know where to start.

Here, drink it up.

And then there's those moments we cheered with joy,
slaps all around, happy as a boy.
Here's to when in all love and squalor,
we blew kisses in the beauty parlour.
Without much care.

Here's to everything and more.

Here, Dad, to all the misery caused.
You were the reason, to all that's lost.
Here, Mom, here's to the faith you held,
undying,
and to the disappointment you dealt,
crying.

Here's to it all.

Here's to the sound of genuine laughter,
and to sweet words that never falter.
Here's to endearments showered in gold,
however often, not properly sold.

Open those throats and empty that mug.

Here's to days that passed in a sphere,
Unending and awaiting the next in fear.
Here's to the insecurities that ate us up,
and those knives that dug in, sharp.

Here's to friendship, love,
and family.
Here's to the joy, and pain
the ups and downs.

Here's to entirety. Here's to life.

And drink down the poison, we shall.

Of nothing much.

2008-08-24T23:57:00.003+08:00

The days have been so soggy it's rather depressing, especially when one have to get caught in it. So many ways have I tried to avoid it but without much success; Finding sheltered routes that are twice as long as the original one, dashing like a rabbit gone lame across the street after looking out for cars and the classic case of waiting somewhere for it to just stop.
Which, following Sod's Law, it won't.

Yes, tell me to bring an umbrella. I just loathe umbrellas due to its cumbersome nature. Maybe I should invest in some raincoat/poncho and look equally silly in it.

It's Matin's birthday yesterday (or rather the day before, time check: 0011 hr).
Happy Birthday favourite ass.
And today's (or yesterday, how confusing!) is Shazreen's birthday. Love you baby!

I never liked weekends due to all the one-sided arguments. Anyway Night Safari yesterday kind of perked it up. It's really good (especially since I'm an animal lover) and I so want to go again from 7 all the way till midnight, not having to go halfway because I have to and because there's long hours the next day.

I should see the other male best friend before he goes in army next week. poor boy.

The sad family.

2008-08-23T01:40:00.004+08:00

For there were days where, frustration seemed to boil in the seemingly calm places and urging the senses to burst. And you hear sobs in the midst of throes, and bravely put up a front with a smile nary to be believed, nary to deceive.
Wonder why they have to suffer.
Would never stare into her eyes lest the pain ensued from hers to mine,
and the least I could do was to make her smile.
Or could I?
Whatever left was stripped bare, and white elephants that straddled our view.
And not a word was said.
Why?
Tell-tale redness that couldn't be ignored, yet neglected, forcibly getting the issue off, mandatory smile that defied all definition of cheerfulness.

Twice already, love.

Helplessness came and settled in, and there was nothing I wouldn't exchange in the world to tell her that it would turn out fine, just to take away that sorrow.
But nothing, it's what I could do.

And so we braved the sound far worse than war cries, far heart-wrenching than soaps, heard through thin doors.
And that's the sound of a broken family.

If onlys are all I thought about, without much sleep. But not to worry, it would haunt me again in dreams.
See you there, love

Models and DARIAAA

2008-08-20T20:40:00.003+08:00

Sigh much thought to the soccer team needing to recruit members and because TanCJ have been MIAing for so freaking long I have to do the job. Hope there would be responses from the thread.

And so operation loseweight is going on well, playing soccer and the many attempts to jog. I realised how hyper I could be once I got started. Last Sunday the parents went on a day trip to KL so I played street somewhere with people I barely know. Which was fun, I ran a lot. Then proceeded on re-stringing my guitar as well as getting a stand for it. And going to a house with arguments going on every side. Poor damsel.

Operation Transformation was quite going on fine until yesterday, when I was just googling about and I saw (typically), the most beautiful creature of all lifetime, none other than Ms Daria Werbowy.

I know there's some out there who are bewildered by my slight obsession with models, but that's because I think models, both men and women, are walking art pieces, so beautiful and many more adjectives I'm sure you could find. It's interesting also to see the photography by the different cameramen and the message they try to convey through it (Inez & Vinoodh's jobs are stellar).

Anyway back to Daria, she has the perfect proportions, unlike Bundchen who's slightly top-heavy, or Poly who's so unnaturally skinny especially in the arms she probably snort coke backstage. Ambrosio has almost the same proportion, but Ambrosio isn't perfect beauty in my dictionary (probably since she has the pornstar look), so Werbowy wins it, with such indescribable beauty. Like really, she's poetry.

And I really like that she could do androgynous shots (Martin Cohn also, but that's understandable, because he's beyond gay) with the help of her amazing body language .

Here are examples!

This is your typical slender ultra-feminine shot (taken at Stellar McCartney's) you'd envision a female model to be. Tall, sleek, infinitely sexy.

The picture at the bottom I feel is very masculine. Love how her posture contradicts the very pretty pumps (courtesy of Chanel please).

Gosh what a beauty. I haven't even put up the H&M campaign (the one with Stone who's good as well, with some hairy-chested-but-has-an-awesome-body man).

Anyway Operation savemoney not going as well as I'd like it to be (no surprises here). It's slow, but improving. I just have this fondness of being excessively late and then making that as a nice excuse to take a bloody cab, which isn't cheap nowadays. I met with Naz to find her running shoes and when she did decide to pick Nike it was of horrible design (I'm sorry our taste are just way off) so she settled for (what I think) is a very nice pair of Adidas. I still can't find the F50s people are raving about. Meh.

Got to sleep early for an early start tomorrow. Plus a McGriddles treat ;p Thanks Pei En.

The King and Blue Moon

2008-08-17T03:45:00.001+08:00

Blue Moon,
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own.

Blue Moon,
You knew just what I was there for
You heard me say a prayer for
Someone who's willing to care.

The 9 to 7s.

2008-08-16T23:28:00.002+08:00

So now the heat's turned up with all the prelims/CA2s/common tests/promos flying all over. This obviously marks the beginning of the ninetoseven days that I have been quite dreading. I had three back to back days of pure madness rushing from a venue to another, cramming lunch wherever possible and catching sleep in the bus. Next week would be a repeat of this for four days.

Buuuuuuuttt the company of them all were nice enough to perk me up (even Horror Student have been behaving) and I finally met Hareen but both annoying students Fifa and Rachel kept insisting that he's weird beyond belief.
As if they're not??

Anyway to lighten the days the Man whisked me away to breakfast on Wednesday (he fetched me from my void deck please, everyone envy me for having the best manfriend) to Breeks and went a-shopping with me at Tampines. And he took leave yesterday so that we can have lunch over Bistro, sent me to wherever I am going next, and then when I'm done he met me halfway and walked me to wherever I am suppose to go. And today for lunch where he (again) waited for me at the student's void deck, then we went airpork again and FINALLY I've got to treat him some lunch we were wanting to go. Between looking at supoermodels and old men on the screen we managed quite a substantial amount of food between ourselves, then swear we will NEVER eat a lot anymore (which I think would NEVER come true) and again sent me to AMK for my next tuition before going off.

Yes, I know I have to appreciate and be thankful for having such a ridiculously magnificent manfriend and I really am, you know. And the time when I truly need someone he's always there? So yes gratitude is in place (I think I heard a chorus of 'I told you so' somewhere).

Hmm people kept asking me to so-and-so country with them and all that yaya but I am really tempted with the idea of back-packing myself trying (yet the cliche goes...) to find the me that has been lost in all the many layers of oohh pretense.

But anyway I'm still in the adjustment process of the transformation from lesbian to bisexual to heterosexual and I'm currently in the bisexual stage. But seriously, being one is SO tough because with all relationships I have right now (in this I mean friendship, acquaintances, etc etc etc) it is just so bloody hard to look at someone on the purely platonic level (really, don't ask why). And furthermore I do appreciate all aspects of beauty, whether it's animal or art or man or car or woman or scenery and so (since beauty is, nonetheless, often linked to the softer of the two) it is truly hard to not stray.
Gosh sounds quite complicated in a way because beauty is in ALL directions whether I am in McDonald's or in a park or a the beach or even at the mosque (ohmygod BIG SIN/DOSA BESAR) and to NOT stray, I'd probably have to stay in a solitary shell (a nunnery won't help, they're all women remember?) and be some mountain turtle of the 21st century. Ok, maybe I won't mind the attraction to Mars inhabitants but this strong sapphic current in me will HAVE to go.

No seriously, I need help with this and the only one that could help me is me. No, don't give me the bull about sexuality being fluid because (as many, and I mean MANY of you point it out) it's just not right.
Sheesh.

So at this moment, operation transformation and operation follow-Rohenie's-food-plan is in the process. I am avoiding any female at this moment that may thwart my lofty goals.
And so another cliche go, Failure Is NOT An Option.

McDonald's Birthday, not really my thing lol

2008-08-07T23:50:00.002+08:00

I had one of the best lunches yesterday at some God-forsaken void deck of AMK (Rohenie made me walk ALL the way when we could've taken a bus, with my sprain) but it was, overall, worth it. Chicken is chicken as you might say, but not chicken with the most delightful herbs and whatnot.

We went to Sportslink and I saw boots! Like the ones I used to have (blue silver white lotto) and this one is a green silver white. At 39$! The last pair, coincidently my size. Ohmygod this is a sign from God that I SHOULD get it.

But I'll probably be going Queensway with her like soon-ish to get a pair because I forsee myself playing on turf in many weeks and months to come and I have learnt my lesson of wearing proper footwear (if I have had boots last Tuesday it won't give me this sprain that is still SO horrid). And also to the gym for strengthening exercise.
Rohenie is my newly self-appointed personal trainer (she's become WAY skinny/lean I didn't even recognise her when I first saw LOL).

Today I attended the second McDonald's birthday party in my life (I really think I'm too old for this) at Kallang Macs, with extremely small chairs and low tables that'll kill your knees if you said please. As much as I didn't want to go (partly not knowing the people well), I had to because Amirah emotionally blackmailed me and it kinda sucks to be a victim of that, and secondly if bijak bestari knew I was invited but didn't come I knew the dire consequences.
I really hate blackmailing.
So we wore stupid paper hats and played some embarrass-the-birthday-girl game (like guessing Afifa's weight!) and musical chair, which I am thankful for the excuse my foot gave me. HA. Anyway just some fun with Happy Meals, candles that kept dying and all that photograph and ever-bursting balloons.

So lying down on bed peacefully listening to the humdrum of the vehicles passing by at such obscene hours, I thought of war. Sometimes I feel we took peace too much for granted. I dreamt a lot about those lately. When I ran with such fear coarsing and away from the bullets that could pierce vulnerable skin. I heard them scream. Hell I heard them scream with such intensity I had to convince myself it's not true but they rang in my ears. I wondered why we trust the politicians that sat cosily in plush offices smoking cigars and told us it'll be over soon, when we knew they were lying?
I wondered why we trust a government that seemingly feed and spoil us rotten when mostly it's for their own interest? I wonder what actually keep people happy on their seats, and not have a world of turmoil.

The other time I was pondering over an ideal world where the world/country is like one community, with no personal interest (which is virtually impossible because humans, we tend to be greedy that's why I said 'ideal world') and everyone helping one another. Not working for money nor getting things with money. Everything is done through a more advanced form of barter (medieval I know) so that there's actually NO need for money.
And I realised it's kind of like, an ideal communist country.

I'm quite warm to that idea, really.

First Sprain in 2008

2008-08-05T21:49:00.002+08:00

And so, I thought I'd like to keep my records clean, but today, on the 4th of August, I manage to sprain my damned ankle again. It's always the left. WHY, especially when it's my dominant leg, WHY must Juli wack my leg and twist it (haha I don't blame her because it's part of the game, but she's got SUCH an apologetic look I feel sad for her bearing that tantamount of guilt). But after sitting on the bench for all of five minutes I couldn't take it, strap up my shoes and started running again.

My bad because right now, this moment, I'm in immense pain, like in the 8th circle of Dante's hell please.

I had a new student for today. I was recommended to her by student-of-the-year Pei En. Pei En didn't really help by texting me to not scare Evina away.
I really am touched by her faith in me, really -.-

Ah shitz my ankle. Anyway I was emotionally black-mailed by someone just now. I truly HATE it when people (especially girls) employ that sad-and-about-to-cry voice just so I could comply.
Annoying! Just because I have a heart you all shouldn't take advantage of it.

And I can sense some of you out there in disbelieve going, "Ili? HEART?? NO WAY".
Hush you people.

Ah lunch with Rohenie tomorrow how nice ((:

First Time IKEA.

2008-08-05T01:13:00.002+08:00

It's a humid day, I'm perspiring buckets as I type now.

The day started with cycling at East Coast. It's a shame I didn't do that thing where I ran to the sea and jumped in halfway through. As usual badminton at Marine Parade CC and the four ladies on the court next to us were playing the sport as if it's the Olympics, really. Headed down Lavender to make Ham's passport (by the way cats were littered at the places we went to today, SO CUTE LAH) and then to airport to meet the other male companion, Syahril.

Me and Ham had this conversation about Syahril always getting his way. I think it applies, despite his pleas of otherwise.

Conversations at Popeyes then decided to drop by IKEA. I'm horribly tempted to get a new bed frame I guess I need a change. I was at the end of their jokes, ridicule and lewdness but what's new. Syahril purchased a table for his room and a dining chair to match it. Seriously, dining chair?? Happily it fitted the cab and we all headed to Syahril's residence since we decided to help Mr-I-can't-really-fix-it to, well, fix it. Ha! The two of us excel in assembling :D And he treated us dinner for our help. Aww.

Now I really want a bed frame, not a white (since Kat says it's a loser colour) but the white's the only one that could be added to it a pullout bed. OR I could get a sofa bed. Now THAT'S cool but I just have to see how.

I aim for this week to clean and rid my room of all the papers that reside in my boxes for all of two years (haven't I said this line sometime ago -.-) and hopefully, with luck and whatev, manage to persuade parentals to finance their one&only daughter with the pouffe cum storage.

(It'll take a year of persuasion for the bed frame but guess I'll get that myself)

It's 0130 hours right now and I'm not exactly able to sleep, God knows why. Something bothers me but I don't know WHATS that something. -.- It's an entity that I could quite place.
Bla. It's time to call the insomnia best friend now.

Only a heartbeat away, love.

Boyfriend switchin'

2008-08-03T16:15:00.002+08:00

I just have to type this out. As usual it's about my favourite thirteen year olds.

Ili: How come I text Nur the other time about next Saturday she didn't reply me?
Tisya: Oh her phone got confiscated la. It's a long story which I'll tell you next time.
Ili: HA. Must be overshot of bills again or papa found out about Dinie.
Tisya: Lol Dinie's mine now (: That's an even longer story for another day.

I know they share everything but not to the extend of guys??
It really amazes me.

Anyway to get some of you jealous, Tisya is going to Singfest later with her friends, and her mom allowed her to skip school tomorrow because of that.
Like whaaaat is wrong with parents nowadays my parents will probably skin me alive if I were to skip school for concerts.

Of pool, cycling at Changi and.

2008-08-01T22:54:00.002+08:00

Hello hello, 'tis good days the past few. Late night guitars, entertaining emo people (actually, emo person Matin), Half-Life2 all over again (not that I've completed it, procrastination DO kick in in games).

I met the other best male friend TheoChingRay on Wednesday along with Mima. Oh by the way, Mima won a camera out of the game Stacker. People do win in that man! I was aiming for the wii with that game but as you know, the probability of winning is extremely small. Lunched, pooled a bit (with of course, Teo wiping the table with our faces) and running to and fro the tv area to guess the phrase in Wheel Of Fortune! Haha I shopped around with him and just when I want to get a pencil case from Borders he came up beside me with his signature "Wah you wanna buy that? Look damn lame sia!" which prompted me to put it down and reconsider.
I hated Qing for doing that -.- He got himself a rubix cube and gave me SUCH a disappointing look when I only stayed around with him for hmm 4 hours? Haha next time I'll make myself more free yes babe.

Yesterday was a lot of home. Haha woke up at 12, gosh the wonders of sleeping. I can feel my eyebags shrinking to minute proportions ;p Taught the Horror Student and thankfully could vent my anger on the board and hoop. Chat for quite with Kyun and O and (with mum's permission some more!) went for thosai/maggee goreng mama with the Man. Was back nearly 11, and miraculously mum didn't make ANY noise.

Ooo to that.

Today by far, was the weird day of the week. After driving and visiting the gramps, I went to teach the Weird Student at Loyang Point. It was an understatement to say that I was pressurised by her to buy the polaroid. But the film totally put me off. Fucking expensive please! Since I had time to burn she brought me over her place (pretty, really) and it's just so near Changi Village and oh imagine the ball of a time I could have cycling. Awesome. She has a pool table in the living room (that's awesome too) and then she asked me to cycle. Cycle I tell you, in all my tudung glory she wants me to cycle, and typically no isn't really in her dictionary.
But glad to do so because the houses there are ohmyGod pretty I SO want to shoo the inhabitants so I can own those properties.

Le sigh.

Adela just called and chatted then she went "fuck, I forgot to wash off the conditioner on my hair!". Stupidity rocks!